


When to Let Go

by NocashBroadwaytrash



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Fluff, I can't tell why it's mature, M/M, Maybe Death I Haven't Decided Yet, Suicidal Themes, but there's no rape/non-con, im bad at tags, maybe spoilers ahead
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:48:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 28,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28017255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NocashBroadwaytrash/pseuds/NocashBroadwaytrash
Summary: Heidi Hansen marries a Mr. Heere, uniting the tree bros and the boyf riends. As they try to navigate their senior year of high school, a dark cloud looms over them. Will darkness fall, or will family, love, and friendship win the day?i'm bad at summaries. this has probably been done before.So, I really shouldn't be writing another fanfic right now. But I am. I'll try my very best to post at least one chapter a week, but no promises. If I haven't posted in a while, or you just need another chapter, just comment saying 'yo, post a new chapter already.' Yes, you can, and please do this.I probably don't have the best idea of how to best portray depression/anxiety. If I get something wrong, or offend you in anyway, please know that it is unintentional, and please let me know how I can fix it and better my writing.Anywho, enjoy!
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen/Jared Kleinman, Heidi Hansen/Jeremy Heere's Father, Jeremy Heere/Michael Mell
Comments: 27
Kudos: 47





	1. A Wedding? (Evan's POV)

**Author's Note:**

> So, I have know idea what Jeremy's dad's name is. (does anyone?) So, for this work, I dub him Paul. Just thought you should know. Also, the chapters are going to be shorter, because I'll do the same chapter from both Jeremy's and Evan POV. Anyway, please leave a comment below!

I've been up since 5. It's a Saturday, so I should've slept in. But I couldn't. Mom's getting married. Today. Mr. Heere's nice enough. He has a kid my age. I think his name is Jeremiah. Something like that. I saw him once. He seemed cool. But we never actually talked, so I could be wrong. My phone buzzes on the bed next to me. It's a message from Connor.

_yo, u up yet?_

_yes_

_u ready 2 go?_

_no_

I look at the clock. 8:15. The wedding's at 9.

_well u better get ur ass in high gear. im coming to get u in 5_

_k._

I swing my legs out of bed and pull my suit out of the closet. I get dressed as quickly as I possibly can. I head into the bathroom, and attempt to make my hair presentable. Outside, I hear a car horn and know that Connor's here. I grab my phone off my bed and head out to his car.

"Well, aren't you looking spiffy." 

"Ya. Um, you look spiffy too," I say. Connor's wearing a crisp black suit and a baby blue tie. His usually unkempt hair has been pulled back into a bun. We pull out and head towards the chapel. 

"So, your mom's getting married. Do you like the guy?"

I think about this for a moment. "He's cool. Little weird. He has a kid our age." 

"Oh?" 

"Ya. I think his name is Jeremiah. The kid, not the dad. His name is Paul." 

"Hmm. Well, how big of a ring did he get your mom? That's gotta tell us something." I reach into my pocket to show him the rings. Why they made me the ring bearer, I couldn't say. I looked it up, and the ring bearer is usually between the ages of 5-10. I'm 17. I've been to one other wedding, and that was my dad's. They had a little 7 year old boy do it. He walked down the aisle and everyone ' _aww_ 'ed. I can't picture them doing that with me. 

I'm searching my pockets, but I can't seem to find the rings. 

"What's wrong?" Connor asks. 

"I can't find the rings. Oh my gosh, they're on my dresser." I forgot the rings. The wedding's in 30 minutes. 

"Well shit Evan!" He spins the car around and we head back to my house. 

"Slow down, we're going to get pulled over!"

"We're going to be late to your mom's wedding!" We can't be late. I can imagine the flower girl walking down the aisle, and everyone waiting for me, but I'm not there. Oh my gosh, I cannot be that person. 

"Go!" Connor skids to a stop in front of my house. I fumble with my keys and I take forever to find the right one. I take the stairs two at a time, which turns out to be a bad idea, because I trip on the top step and fall on my face. I grumble as I get up, and just be thankful Jared wasn't here to see it. I grab the rings off the dresser and run out the door, having to pause to lock back up again. I get back in the car and we head back to the church. The clock reads 8:45. It'll take 15 minutes to get to the church. 

"Oh my gosh, we're never going to make it."

"We'll make it. It would've been easier if you'd remembered the rings, but we'll make it." I take some deep breaths and try to calm down. Connor's right. It's going to be fine. I try not to focus on my palms, which are beginning to sweat. _I can't have sweaty palms at the wedding_ I think. My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I fumble to get it out. It's Jared. 

_dude, where the hell r u? the weddings in 10 min_

_I know man, I'm_ _coming. Stall for me_

_ill do my best, but u better hurry._

_thx_

"Who was that?" Connor asks. "It wasn't your mom, was it?"

"No, it was Jared. He's going to stall for us." 

"I guess we'd better hurry then." We accelerate, and I think _well at least if we crash, my mom won't be able to kill me_. 

We get there at 8:59. A stern looking lady walks up to me. 

"There you are! We're about to start!" Connor waves to me as I'm dragged away, as if to say _good luck!_

* * *

At least I didn't trip. 

We're at the after party. Reception, whatever. I've been very good at staying at my table with Jared and Connor. I got up to get some cake once. Alana caught my mom's bouquet. Across the room, I see Paul's son with his friend. Apparently it's Jeremy. The kid, not his friend. His friend's name is Michael. They seem nice, but I haven't actually talked to them yet, so I'm not sure. 

"Evan!" I hear my mom call my name. I look, and she's gesturing for me to come over. I get up and walk over to her. "We're going to take some pictures, okay?" I nod. She leans in close to me. "How are you doing? You okay?" I look at her. 

"Ya." Which is mostly true. I mean, I was more fine when I was sitting at my table. And now I'm overthinking the way I walked over here, even though there was probably no one watching. A small little lady in a purple dress puts us in a position. Mom, Paul, Jeremy and I. I keep wiping my hands on my pants, and I wonder if anyone else has noticed. 

While the lady checks to make sure the photo looks good, Jeremy sticks his hand out. 

"Hi, I'm Jeremy." 

I shake his hand. "I know. Oh, uh, I mean, I'm Evan. Sorry." He gives a small nod and we pose again for another picture. 


	2. A Wedding? (Jeremy's POV)

"JEREMY!!!" I wake up to find myself falling. Onto the ground. And Michael shouting at me. Actually, the ground isn't so bad. Maybe I could just fall asleep here . . .

"JEREMY!!! GET UP!!" Michael shakes me. I assume he used the same method to get me on the ground. 

"Why?" I groan. I look at my alarm clock. "It's only 8:30. Let me sleep."

"Dude, your dad is getting married in 30 minutes! And you're the best man!" Oh. That's today? You'd think I'd have set an alarm. 

"Oh sh-"

"Aaaaa, language!" Michael points at me. 

"Oh, uh, crap!" I stutter. I get in my closet and grab my suit. Michael, of course, is already dressed. "How long have you been up?"

"Um, 7:30 ish." 

"Why didn't you wake me up earlier?!"

"I wanted to let you sleep in," he says sheepishly. He averts his eyes as I take off my Zelda t-shirt. He's such a great boyfriend. 

* * *

"How do I look?" Michael looks up from my bed. He smiles. 

"Positively beautiful." I can feel the blood rushing into my cheeks as he kisses my forehead. "Okay, now let's go!!" 

"Oh, right!" We rush out of my front door and get in my car. "What time is it?" 

"8:40." 

"How long does it take to get to the church?" Michael pulls up the map. 

"Um, it's about 10 minutes from here." I breathe a sigh of relief. 

"Unless we hit every red light, we should get there on time." 

"NO!" Michael shouts. "Don't say that, now we _will_ hit every red light!" I just roll my eyes. 

"When's the next turn?" I stop in front of a red light. 

"Two blocks, to your right." He looks up at the red light. "I told ya so."

"One red light is not _every_ red light." But then that one turns into two. Then three. Then five. 

"Dude, we have to go five blocks in five minutes!" I'm about to say that it'll be fine, but based on my last comments of confidence, I decide to keep my mouth shut. I start to go a little faster, pushing the 45 mph speed limit. Michael eyes my speedometer, but doesn't say anything. When we hit two more red lights, we've got two minutes to go 1 block. Michael unbuckles his seatbelt and opens his door. 

"What are you doing?!" He just looks at me. 

"I'll be able to run faster than this car will get there. See ya." I try to argue, but he's already sprinting down the street. I know it'll take me long enough to find a parking spot, so I decide to just keep driving, praying I make it there on time. Or at least before Michael. 

I pull into the church at 9:01. I don't see Michael anywhere, so either he's already inside or he's still running. I run into the church, not sure whether I want them to wait for me or not. As I walk in, I try to keep my head down and just run into the chapel. But someone spots me, and starts ranting about how late I was and that they had to stall the ceremony just for me. I kept apologizing, and was grateful that someone had come and found me, because there was no way I would've been able to find the chapel on my own. As we walked in, everyone seemed to be chatting with their neighbors, so there wasn't too much attention on me. 

"Where were you?!" my dad asked. 

"I forgot to set my alarm. And then we hit all the red lights. Is Michael here yet?"

"Yes, he got here just before you. I don't know what you'd do without him. How did he beat you here?"

"Well, two blocks out, he decided that he could run here faster than I could drive." Dad just shakes his head. Somewhere, someone starts playing an organ, and the ceremony starts. 

* * *

"You should go say hi." Michael says. We're at the reception, and he keeps pushing me to go talk to Evan, Heidi's son. My _step-brother_. Now, I should say that I have nothing against the guy. Heidi's great, and he seems nice. My dad says we have a lot in common. He goes to my school, and he's my age. He's gay too, but my boyfriend is way cuter. Evan's probably a really cool guy. I just don't want to talk to him. 

"But why?"

"Look. Heidi is married to your dad now. Soon enough you'll move in with this kid, and you're going to want to know him!"

"I-," I start, but my dad comes over. 

"Hey, Jere, we're going to take some pictures here soon. You can, finish your conversation," gesturing to me and Michael. After he walks away, I turn back to Michael. I begin to talk, but Michael interrupts. 

"You, are going to say hi to Evan while you are over there. Got it?" 

"Bu-"

"Please?" He gives me his puppy dog eyes, and I know I have no chance.

"Fine." Across the room, I hear Heidi call Evan over, and I assume that meant that they were starting pictures. I got up and walked over to where my dad was standing. After putting us in a nice position, a lady in a purple dress took a few pictures. While she was looking at them, I decided to make my move. I extended my hand to Evan. 

"Hi, I'm Jeremy."

He takes my hand. "I know. Oh, uh, I mean, I'm Evan. Sorry." We pose for another picture. 


	3. Moving In? (Evan's POV)

Connor picks me up for school. Like always. One of the many constants in my life. 

"We're moving. Into Paul's place. Today." One of the not-so-constants. But Paul's house is bigger than ours, and he lives closer to Connor, so there's that. 

"Ya? Are you excited?" 

"I guess." I don't like change very much. I like being able to have something I can rely on. A stable rod in our ever-tilting world. 

"You don't sound very excited." 

"I am. I'm going to be closer to you!" I nudge his shoulder. 

"See? Look for the light in every dark room." We spend the rest of the drive singing to whatever's on the radio. When we reach school, Jared runs up to us. 

"'Sup dudes?" 

"'Sup," Connor says. Between the two of them, people pretty much don't notice me, and don't approach me. Which is how I like it. 

We all head to our respective homerooms, and I won't see Connor or Jared until lunch. I get through these next few classes by keeping my head low and staying quiet. Another constant in my life: being invisible. Except to Connor and Jared. And that's the way I like it. But today, someone else keeps looking at me. Jeremy. We have two classes before lunch together. And while he never approached me, he kept looking at me. I couldn't read his expression, but it probably wasn't good.   


"So, I was thinking that maybe you guys might want to come over to my place today," Jared says when I sit down. "Maybe play some video games." Which he always wins. But by less and less each time. 

"Actually, I was kind of thinking you guys might want to come to my place today," I say. 

"Why? You hate it when people come to your house," Jared points out. 

"I don't hate it," I mumble. I'm about to state my case, but Connor comes to my rescue. 

"Evan's right. We should go to his house." He eyes me before he says the next thing. "Since it's the last time we'll be able to." 

Jared chokes on his milk, and I laugh way harder than I mean to. "You two are eloping?!" Jared cries. 

"No you dipshit." Connor smacks Jared upside the head and I snicker even more. "He's moving." 

"Oh." Jared rubs the spot on his head where Connor smacked him. "I guess we can go to Evan's place then. So, where're you moving?" 

"Um, I'm movi-"

"Hey Evan!" I look around for the source. The only two people who would call my name are sitting right next to me. The only other people who know me are Zoe, Connor's sister, or Jeremy. But it was definitely a male voice, and I don't think it was Jeremy. 

"Evan!" A kid sits down next to me. I recognize him from the reception. He hung around Jeremy mostly. This must be his friend. 

"Um, do you know this kid?" Jared interrupts. 

"Oh! Sorry. My name is Michael. I'm Jeremy's boyfriend." Jeremy sits down on his other side. "And, you are?" 

"Jared. And this here," he gestures to Connor, "is my friend, Dickwad." Connor makes to smack him again, but he anticipates it and ducks. 

"I'm Connor." He shakes Michael's hand. Jeremy eyes him, and it doesn't surprise me. Connor has gained a, _questionable_ reputation. But he can be nice if he so chooses. 

"Cool. Anyway, since all the moving stuff is happening today, we were wondering if you wanted to come hang out? Your, friends, can come to." Michael smiles hopefully. 

I begin to respectfully decline, but Jared interrupts. 

"Actually, we were going to hang out at Evan's. I guess you can come, but only if you think you can best me at Mario Kart." Jeremy puts his head in his hands, and I would swear I heard him mutter 'oh no.' 

"Please. I could take you down with my eyes closed," Michael says. Jared scoffs. 

"You're on." 

* * *

"Again!" Jared shouts. He's lost two games already. Michael seems to be enjoying himself, but not as much as Connor. We're all in my room. Jared and Michael are sitting on the floor in front of the TV, Jeremy's in my desk chair, and Connor and I are on my bed. As Michael and Jared enter their third round, Connor is beside himself with glee at the fact that Jared has lost twice in a row, and looks like he's going to lose again. 

"You can do it Jared," he wheezes. 

"Shut up, Connor!" Jared yells. Connor just laughs harder, as Jared falls into 4th, behind Michael, Jeremy, and an NPC. He loses again, and Connor falls off the bed. Jared makes to attack him, but comes to a realization. 

"You said you could take me down with your eyes closed!" Jared points at Michael. Michael looks taken aback, but recollects himself. 

"I could." 

"Then prove it! Next game, you don't get to open your eyes!" Michael thinks about this. 

"Deal. But I get to pick the map." I can tell Jared doesn't like it, but he obliges. They shake on it, and they start their next game. Michael picks the map and they choose their avatars. Michael takes his glasses off just before the game starts. 

"What's that for?" I ask. 

"Extra precaution. I'm pretty much blind without those, so if I accidentally open my eyes, I still won't see anything." It takes me by surprise. That's a genuinely good guy right there. 

"You ready to be crushed?" Jared asks. 

"We'll see about that." And with that Jared starts the game. Connor gets back up on the bed, very interested in how this game's gonna go. 

"Who do you think is going to win?" Connor whispers in my ear. Michael is currently in third. Which is really quite impressive given the circumstances. Jared's in first, but Jeremy's close behind. 

"I think Jeremy will take this one." Connor nods, and turns back to the game. The first round finishes with the scores as they were. Next round, Michael falls behind right at the beginning. But he slowly comes back and wins round 2.

"How the hell are you doing that?!" Jared asks. "Are you cheating?" 

"No. I'm just better than you." He wins the next round too, and Connor loses it. A loud thump echoes from downstairs, and we're brought back to reality. I'm reminded that we're only doing this because I'm moving. But maybe that's the light in this dark room. 


	4. Moving In? (Jeremy's POV)

"I told you so."

"Will you stop? I get it." Michael's so proud that he knew Evan would move in soon, and how he told me to go talk to him. 

"Okay. One more time though. For posterity," he says when I groan. "I told you so." He gives me a quick kiss before we go into school. 

"Fine. Yes, you were right." He smiles at me, and we head to his locker. Which we basically share. I have my own, I just don't use it. 

"Are you excited about having someone else in the house?" 

"I'm not sure. I barely know the guy." 

"Well the-" 

"Hey hey, what's up Michael!" Rich comes over and puts his arms around the two of us. He looks at me. "And Jeremy." He leans in closer to Michael. "When are you going to ditch this guy, and pick up a real man?" Michael laughs, even though Rich was probably being serious. 

"How are you Rich?" Michael asks. 

"I'm alright. Hey, have any of you seen Jake?" He sees Jake down the hall, and makes to leave. "See ya, losers!" I roll my eyes. 

"Please, if you ever leave me, promise you won't date him. Or at least give it a year." 

"Babe, please. I have much better men to date." I cannot believe him. I'm standing right here!

"Like who?!" Michael begins walking to our homeroom. 

"Well, there's this one guy. He's really nice, a little bit on the shy side maybe. He's also a very good player two. He rolls his eyes at all my cheesy jokes. Oh, and he's beautiful."

I stop in the middle of the hall, my mouth agape. "At least try to sound remorseful that you'll be leaving me!" 

Michael stops and looks at me. "Oh, and there's one I forgot. He is completely oblivious. I was talking about you, dummy!" He throws his arm over my shoulder. I immediately begin to blush. Of course he was talking about me. 

"What were those things you liked about him again?" I ask sheepishly. Michael laughs and we head into homeroom. We're seated in alphabetical order, so Michael is behind me to the right. But Evan sits right next to me. And I'm reminded that in mere hours we will be living together. 

* * *

"Dude, I'm telling you. He kept staring at me!" I'm trying to explain to Michael that Evan kept looking at me all throughout our classes that we had together. 

"You are probably imagining things. And even if you're not, you're going to have to get used to it. You are going to be living together after all." We sit down at our usual lunch table, and across the cafeteria I can see Evan with his friends. "Which reminds me, I have an idea. You said that you barely knew Evan, so how about we invite him over to play some video games? What's the worst that could happen?" 

"Um, there are a many number of bad things that could happen. Maybe he has other plans. Maybe he wants to bring some of his weird friends."

"Okay, I'm sure his friends aren't that bad."

"Maybe, he hates video games!" Michael gives me a look that says _nobody hates video games_. 

"I'm going to go say hi. You can come or not." And with that he stands up and walks over toward Evan. I begin to call after him, but I know he won't come back. After thinking for a bit, the awkwardness of sitting alone catches up to me and I follow him. 

"And, you are?" Michael asks as I sit down. 

A short kid with glasses introduces himself. "I'm Jared. And this here," he gestures to the infamous Connor Murphy. The kid who threw a printer at a teacher in second grade. Or so the rumor went. "Is my friend, Dickwad." Connor tries to smack the kid, but he ducks. 

"I'm Connor." I watch as he shakes Michael's hand. 

"Cool." Michael nods. Then he turns to Evan. "Anyway, since all the moving stuff is happening today, we were wondering if you wanted to come hang out? Your, friends, can come to." Evan starts to open his mouth, but the Jared guy interrupts. 

"Actually, we were going to hang out at Evan's. I guess you can come, but only if you think you can best me at Mario Kart." I put my head in my hands, and quietly as I can whisper _oh no_. Michael is very serious about his Mario Kart. He will see to it that this kid wishes he never challenged him.

"Please. I could take you down with my eyes closed," Michael says. Jared scoffs. 

"You're on." 

* * *

Michael is kicking Jared's ass. Don't tell Michael I said that. I can tell that Jared isn't used to losing, because he keeps insisting on a rematch. Michael is clearly enjoying himself. But no where near as much as Connor. Maybe this kid isn't as horrible as everyone thinks. 

"You can do it Jared!" Connor laughs, clutching his stomach from laughter. 

Jared turns his head. A fatal mistake. "Shut up, Connor!" When he turns back, me and an NPC have pulled in front of him. And so he loses again. And a new fit of laughter reaches Connor, causing him to fall off the bed this time. You would think he's drunk or high, but we've been with him for the last two hours. He would've come off it by now. Jared makes to attack him, but stops. He looks as if a brilliant idea just came up and smacked him in the face. He turns to Michael. 

"You said you could take me down with your eyes closed!" Michael's non-chalant facade falls for a second, but quickly returns. 

"I could." Oh no. 

"Then prove it! Next game, you don't get to open your eyes!" Michael takes a second to think about this. 

"Deal. But I get to pick the map." Jared scowls, but agrees. They shake on it, and we start the next game. Michael picks the map and we choose their avatars. Michael takes his glasses off just before the game starts. I know he's blind without them. He's going all out. Evan questions him about this, and Michael explains the extra measures, to make sure he doesn't cheat. 

"You ready to be crushed?" Jared asks. 

"We'll see about that." Michael says, somehow managing to look him right in the eye. He shuts his eyes. And with that Jared starts the game. Connor gets back up on the bed, clearly interested in the fate of this game. The first round I tail Jared, but he keeps his first place spot. Michael meanwhile is in third. Not bad, but not what he wants. But he makes a come back in the second round, and wins. Jared doesn't like it. 

"How the hell are you doing that?!" Jared asks. "Are you cheating?" 

"No. I'm just better than you." He wins the next round too. And Connor loses his mind. Jared looks at Michael in awe, and I half expect him to start worshiping him. But then he turns to Connor, with a murderous look in his eye. I try to stifle my own laughter, when there's a loud thump from downstairs, silencing us all. 

"Well, thank you Michael, because that was fuc-," Connor looks at Evan. "F-frickin' awesome. I'm going to see if Heidi needs help with anything." Connor pats Michael on the shoulder, and heads downstairs. The rest of us follow, and I can't help but think that maybe this move could bring something great into my life. 


	5. Halloween? (Evan's POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I still don't have a posting schedule, but don't be surprised if the next few chapters come a bit slower. Thank you to everyone who's been reading. Please tell me what you think, I'd love to hear from you guys!

I will admit, it is a little weird having people in the house. Not in like, a bad way, but it is different from how it was. Different good. It's nice knowing that when you come home, someone will be there. Although, there are definitely some times when it was nice to have the house to myself. Jeremy and Michael have hung out with us (Connor, Jared and I) a couple times in the last month. Well, more like we hung out with them, seeing as it was Jeremy's house first. Jared's only come once, mind you. He's still upset about the Mario Kart incident. 

At least I still have my own room. Though, a lot of times I stay at Connor's. And I'm pretty sure Michael stay's at Jeremy's place a lot. I guess it's kind of my place now too. Weird, huh?

"So, do you guys have any plans after school?" Michael asks. We're all sitting at lunch together. Another new norm. 

"Not really." We all shake our heads. 

"Great! So if you al-" 

"Hey guys!" Rich Goranski puts his arms around Michael and Jeremy's shoulders. I've always made it a point to steer clear of him, but here he is. And this isn't the first time. 

"Hi Rich," we echo back in unison, unenthusiastically. Well, some of us. He ignores us and looks at Michael. 

"So, Jake's throwing a killer Halloween costume party. I was hoping I'd see you two there," nodding to Michael and Jeremy. Rich looks over at Connor, Jared, and I. "I suppose your weirdo friends can come too. So?" He looks at Michael expectantly. 

"Sounds cool! We'll be there!" Rich looks pleased with himself as he walks away. 

"Anyway, I was thinking you guys would come over today. We'll play some," Michael eyes Jared before he continues, "board games." We nod in agreement, and eat in silence for a couple minutes. 

"So," Jeremy looks at me and Connor. "Who are you guys going as for Halloween?" I look over at Connor.

"I- uh, I’m not sure. I mean, uh, w- we hadn’t discussed it or anything," I say. I hadn't known Connor last Halloween. I wasn’t even sure if he dressed up still. "What about you?" 

Michael lets out what can only be described as a giggle. Jeremy kind of rolls his eyes, but I can tell he’s excited too. 

"Well, Michael had the brilliant idea, th-" 

“I can’t take all the credit. My moms helped too.” 

“Okay then. Michael and his  _ moms _ came up with the brilliant idea for us to go as Ash and Pikachu!” Michael and Jeremy look at us expectantly. “From Pokemon?!”

“Yeah, th- that’s, um, really cool guys. I like it,” I stutter. I give Jared and Connor a pointed look, and they praise the idea too. Michael and Jeremy seem pleased with themselves. 

“So, how about when you all come over, we can come up with some costume ideas!” Michael looks so excited. 

“I don’t know,-” I look at Connor. 

“Sounds great,” he says. I give a smile that I hope conveys a ‘thank you.’ The 5 minute bell rings, and we all get up and leave. I head to my locker to get my math books. Connor follows me. 

“So, are you, um, okay with us dressing up? I mean, like together, but we don’t have to go together if you want, we could just be wearing completely different costumes, or no costumes at all, but if-” 

“Evan,” Connor puts his arm around me. “I would love nothing more than to go with you to the party. Together,” he adds when I look concerned. The warning bell rings, and kids start heading to class. Connor kisses my forehead, making me blush profusely, and heads to his own class. Hopefully. 

I struggle through my next classes, by staying silent. I know I really need to pay attention, but I’m suddenly rethinking the idea of going to Jake’s party. My anxiety has been a lot better lately. Not as many panic attacks. Connor has really been helping, I think. But I haven’t been to a large social gathering in a long time. By the time school is over, I’m on the verge of a panic attack just thinking about it. Connor see’s I’m worried as we head to his car. 

“Hey,” he looks at me. “What’s up? You okay?” I just look up at him. But I can’t seem to push words out of my mouth. Connor’s eyebrows knit together, and he stops. 

“Hey,” he grabs me by my shoulders. “Look at me. Seriously, are you okay? We don’t have to go to your place, we can crash at mine. No one’s home right now.” He looks so concerned. I almost tell him, but I shake my head. No need to bother him with my trivial problems. 

“No, I’m okay.” At his skeptical look, I add an, “I promise.” Connor nods, but he still looks at me like a wounded puppy. I try to put on a brave face, but I’m not sure it works. He opens the door for me and I get in the car. As Connor gets in his seat, he reaches across and grabs my hand. I look at our hands and then at him. He just gives me a smile, and squeezes my hand reassuringly. Nothing more, nothing less. And while it doesn’t make my nerves go away, I am comforted knowing that Connor will be at the party too. And not just there, there with  _ me _ . And there for me too. 


	6. Halloween? (Jeremy's POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I want to thank you all for reading this. I can't believe how many hits this is getting! Anyway, I hope you enjoy! And please leave a comment!

Honestly? It doesn’t feel much different. Having other people. Except for the occasional home cooked meal. But Heidi-  _ mom _ \- is at work most of the time, and I can’t tell when Evan is home and when he’s not. He’s so quiet. Or maybe he’s not here. I never know. 

Michael and I are just chilling at his place right now, since both of us have a late start. 

“So, anyway, he ended up letting class out early,” I finish, laughing to myself. Michael is staring into space. “Michael?” 

“Hmm?” His attention snaps back to me. “Oh, sorry Jere. Were you saying something?” 

I grumble. “Nah, it’s just,” I scramble for something, “it’s time for school.” 

He nods. “Oh.” I grab my backpack and head for the door. Michael doesn’t seem to pick up on my less than happy demeanor the whole way to school. My anger fades into concern. As we pull into a parking spot at the school, I grab his arm. He flinches, and I pull away. 

“Sorry,” he says. Michael takes my hand. “You startled me.” This makes me feel a little bit better. 

“Are you okay?” 

He looks at me like I’ve just suggested that giraffes can fly. “Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?” He gets out of the car and heads into the building before I can go any further. Call me paranoid, but his answer doesn’t quite satisfy me. 

* * *

At lunch, he’s back to his usual cheery self. He’s making plans for Evan and his friends to come over later. I’m not really following the conversation, until Rich comes over. I don’t like the guy, but I really should thank him. I mean, he’s kind of the reason me and Michael are together. If he hadn’t defaced private property . . .

"Hey guys!" He puts arms around mine and Michael’s shoulders. 

"Hi Rich," I mutter. I think some of the others do the same. 

"So, Jake's throwing a killer Halloween costume party. I was hoping I'd see you two there," nodding to Michael and I. This, to me, sounds like a terrible idea. I mean, we were all at last year's party. Where Rich almost  _ died _ . I mean, it wasn’t really his fault, but still. I can’t believe Jake’s parents are even letting him throw another one. I can’t believe  _ Jake _ is throwing one. 

Rich looks over at Connor, Jared, and Evan. "I suppose your weirdo friends can come too. So?" He looks at Michael expectantly. 

"Sounds cool! We'll be there!" I want to slap that smug smile on his face right off. I really don’t hate Rich. I hate that he hits on Michael. But, it is what it is, I suppose. I go back to my food while Michael secures plans for today. Eventually, the uncomfortable silence creeps under my skin. 

“So," I eye Evan and Connor. "Who are you guys going as for Halloween?" A look passes between Evan and Connor. I don’t know what it means, but I know it means something. 

"I- uh, I’m not sure. I mean, uh, w- we hadn’t discussed it or anything," Evan stutters. "What about you?"

I was really hoping he’d ask. I roll my eyes at Michael giggle, but I’m trying hard not to giggle myself. "Well, Michael had the brilliant idea, th-" 

“I can’t take all the credit. My moms helped too.” So humble. 

“Okay then. Michael and his  _ moms _ came up with the brilliant idea for us to go as Ash and Pikachu!” Blank faces stare back at us. I’m sure Jared knows what it is, but he’s just being like that. “From Pokemon?!” They recognize that and nod. 

“Yeah, th- that’s, um, really cool guys. I like it,” Evan says. He stares daggers at Jared and Connor, which I didn’t know he could. 

“That’s super cool guys! Very classy,” Jared says. 

“Mm-hmm.” Connor nods. Not the greatest reaction, but what was I really expecting? 

“So, how about when you all come over, we can come up with some costume ideas!” Michael looks so excited. He’s going to have  _ so  _ much fun with that. If they let him. 

“I don’t know,-” Evan starts, but Connor interrupts. 

“Sounds great.” Evan smiles. A bell rings, and we all get up to leave. 

I follow Michael to the locker. I rest my head on his shoulder. He looks at me. 

“Hey,” I say. 

“Hey.” What am I supposed to say? You were a little weird this morning? Are you feeling okay? He seems to be back to normal. I decide to push it from my mind. I lace my fingers through his. Michael looks down at our hands. 

“Hey,” I say, again. He looks up. 

“Hey.” He smiles. Which makes me smile. Which makes him smile wider. Which makes me smile wider. Which makes him giggle. A long procession follows, until the minute bell rings. Michael starts to walk down the hall. I grab his arm. It stiffens, but he doesn’t pull away. Michael looks at me. 

“I love you,” I say. He softens. 

“I love you too,” He kisses my forehead, then leaves for class. Perfectly normal. Right?


	7. Something In Between?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I already posted today, but this is short. 
> 
> So, this isn't really a chapter. It's a preface for the next 2. This is Jared, Michael, and Connor's mini perspective. For what's coming up. Is this kind of mean? Yes. Am I going to do it anyway? Yes. 
> 
> Anywho, enjoy! And as always, please leave a comment!

Jared: He looked like a lost puppy. Out of place, and adorable. I saw my chance, and I took it. I couldn’t help myself. He needed help. And  _ I  _ was there to give it. I’d been waiting for my shot forever, and prospects were looking gloomier by the minute. Should I be ashamed? Maybe. But what’s done is done. Guess who’s here for him now? Me. And hell if I’m not just a little happy about it. 

* * *

Michael: What was I doing here? Good question. I don’t know. I don’t belong. Am I here for Jeremy? Yes, but Jeremy’s only here for me. And besides, he’s fine. Did I think this party would help? Did I think it would fill some void? I don't know. But I know now that it won’t. I hid out in the bathroom for a while. But my moms taught me that I can’t hide from my problems forever. So I did what any person in my situation would do; I ran. 

* * *

Connor: Once upon a time, a stupid kid got drunk at a party, and he did fucked things up. That kid was me. And I swore I wouldn’t get drunk again. I fuck things up when I’m drunk. So I stuck to weed. I told myself I would not get drunk tonight. I had to support Evan. It was my job. But I thought to myself  _ one drink couldn’t hurt, right? _ Well, one drink turned into 2. Then 4. Then I lost count. And guess what?! I fucked up. Big time. 


	8. A Party? (Evan's POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is twice as long as my usual chapters. But it's important. Also, I was kind of rushing on this one. So please excuse any grammar errors. 
> 
> Hehe. I'm sorry. Enjoy!

Newsflash: He wasn’t there for me. Maybe he planned to be, but he wasn’t. Not when I needed it. 

_ 3 days prior _

We all got together to plan our costume. We wanted something simple, not hard. We finally settled on Calvin and Hobbes. Connor so graciously took Hobbes, so I was going to be Calvin. I’m almost sure I already have what I need. Red shirt, black pants. Not only simple and easy, but we are going to look adorable. 

“You’re sure you can’t sleep over tonight?” Connor wraps his arms around me. I know what he’s trying to do, but I won’t let him. 

“C’mon, you know I have to study.” He mumbles something about studying at his house. “And you know that if I come over there,  _ neither  _ of us will get  _ any _ studying done.” 

“Please?” Connor gives me his puppy dog eyes, the ones he knows I can’t resist. 

I glare at him. “Fine. But I won’t be happy about it!” I just know in my gut that I will fail that test on Friday. But his smile makes it worth it. 

* * *

I lay my back against Connor’s chest while he sifts through his movies. 

“What kind of movie do you want today?” I shift in my seat so I can look at him. 

“I don’t know. What do  _ you  _ want?” I bop his nose. Connor grins, and gets up. 

“I’ll be right back.” And I am left alone. I don’t mind being alone at my house, but when it’s someone else's house? That’s bad. What if someone just walks in here? I won’t be prepared. I’ll jump, and then they’ll say ‘oh I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were in here!’ Then they’ll go back to whatever they were doing, and you have to choose between sitting there in awkward silence, or even more awkward conversation. The obvious choice is silence, but you don’t want to be impolite. And all the while that you’re having this battle in your head, they’ve finished what they’re doing and left. And then you're left with your own thoughts again, wondering whether you came off rude, or if it was okay. 

But Connor’s back now. And he has a DVD in his hand. He’s purposely shifting his body around so that I cannot see it. After he puts it in the disc player, he comes to sit back down next to me. 

“So, what movie did you pick?” I snuggle back up to him. 

“I’m not going to tell you,” he says with a smirk. 

“Please?” I give him my best puppy dog eyes. Which just makes him laugh. 

“Not gonna work on me, Ev.” He ruffles his hand through my hair. “But you’re still cute.” I settle next to him as the previews start. 

* * *

The movie’s over and we’re both sobbing. I pick up a pillow and start beating Connor with it. 

“Why would you pick the boy in the striped pajamas!” I cry. My feeble pillow smacks do nothing, and he pulls me into his chest. 

“So that I could hold you afterwards, while you sob into my shoulder.” And we do just that for like, 5 minutes. Then Zoe comes in. 

“What do you want, Zoe?” Connor sneers. I glare at him, and he sighs. “I mean, can we,  _ help you _ , Zoe?” She gives us a weird look, probably because our eyes are red and puffy. But then she sees the title screen on the TV. She nods, and then leaves without a word. I sit up and glare at Connor, still wiping tears from my eyes. 

“You’re evil. You know that, right?” He smiles. 

“I know.” 

* * *

The next day is boring. Like most of my days. But I like boring. Boring means nothing bad happened. 

Today, (Friday) of course, I failed my english test. Well, at least I think I did. Won’t find out for a week, if I’m lucky. 

Everyone, except Jared, stayed at Jeremy’s place. My place. Our place? Ugh. Not sure why though. The party wasn’t until Saturday evening. Oh well. We played games. Michael seemed to be somewhere else, because Jeremy beat him at Mario Kart twice. 

“Did you tell your parents that you were staying over?” 

Connor rolls his eyes. “No. It’s not like they care.”

“You should tell them. For me. Please?” He sighs, but pulls out his phone. 

“Fine. But only for you.” I lay my head against his chest as he turns off my lamp. 

* * *

Why? Why oh why did I agree to go to this party?! It’s not even my speed! These are like, the  _ cool _ kids. Evan Hansen = not cool. I’m not even there yet and I’m already freaking out. I’m shimmying into my pants, (there a bit smaller than I remember) and Connor’s trying to calm me down. 

“Look Ev, you want people to ignore you, right?” I nod. I mean, I would love to socialize and be cool and all that, but there is no way on Earth that will happen. Not today. 

“So, don’t people pretty much ignore you anyway? Why should this party be any different? Besides, I’ll have my car. We can drive straight home to my place afterwards. Okay?” This does comfort me. To some level. A level of tolerance. Of assurance. If all else fails, at least Connor will have my back. I nod and we head out. 

It’s 6:00. The party’s not until 7. Jared’s sitting on the couch in the living room, eating a sandwich. He’s dressed up as a video game character (though I do not know which one). The five of us decided not to carpool, but to still go  _ together _ . We’ll take three cars in total. Michael’s, Connor’s and Jared’s. Michael and Jeremy come out in their costumes, and I have to admit, it was well thought out, and perfectly executed. We’re about to leave, but my mom insists that we eat dinner before we go. It’s 6:50 when we head to leave, but Jared makes us wait. 

“No one shows up to a party on time. That’s lame,” he says. I think it says a lot about us as a group that Jared’s the one giving party advice. So, at 7 o’clock sharp, we’re done waiting and head out. It’s a little over a 10 minute drive to Jake’s, so we arrive at 7:12 ish. Connor parks the car and turns to me. 

“You don’t have to go in, Evan. It’s up to you.” I look up at him. 

“No. I want to do this.” I rest my hand in his. “With you.” He smiles. 

“I’ll be here for you every step of the way.” Connor gives my hand one last comforting squeeze, and then we get out. 

* * *

It’s loud. And chaotic. And hot. And there’s a lot of people. It’s pretty much the exact opposite of me. Did I mention how hot it is? 

I feel like I’m going round and round in circles. Sometimes I’ll be with Connor. Other’s with Jeremy. Or Michael. Or Jared. I always have at least one buoy in this vast ocean of sweat and hormones. But as I look around, I can’t find any of them. So I’m starting to panic. Which is no bueno for me. 

I head to the bathroom to cool off. Take a breather. Thankfully it’s unoccupied, or I might have cried. And that is not what I need right now. I get in the bathroom and sit on the edge of the tub. I take some deep breaths. And I assess the situation. 

_ Alright, so you can’t find any of your friends. That doesn’t mean they’re not there. It just means you have to look. And looking for something is a perfect excuse not to socialize!  _ I can feel the bass literally shaking the floor, and I really don’t want to leave the bathroom. Why should I go back out there? But I really don’t want someone to knock on the bathroom door.  _ I’ll just tell Connor that I’m ready to leave. _ So I gather my thoughts, and open the door to find a fist in my face. Michael’s fist. 

“Oh, sorry Evan. I was just about to knock.” I don’t think I’ve ever been more grateful to see another person in my life. 

“That’s okay. Um, have you seen anyone? I mean, anyone that I know?” 

“Oh! Um, I’m not really sure. But I think Jared and Connor are both near the snacks.” Figures. I thank him and head in that direction. Sure enough, Connor’s over by the food and drink, looking like he’s had one too many. It also looks like my peers are warming up to him. Or maybe they’re just warming up to the alcohol. 

“Hey Connor.” I tap him on the shoulder. “Can I talk to you?” He looks at me. Obviously drunk. 

“Evan. Can’t you see I’m already talking to these lovely people?” 

I lean in closer. “But this is important.” 

Connor leans in even closer, and whispers his next words. I can smell the beer on his breath. 

“Evan, nothing you say is ever important. Because you’re a fucking no one. You said it yourself. You’re ‘meh’. Now shoo.” My brain takes longer than it should to process those words. So I stand there like an idiot for about 5 seconds before I turn and run towards the door. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m getting out. But of course, life has its own plans. And I run right into something. Someone. 

“Hey!” A tall, blonde girl turns to me. I vaguely recognize her, but I don’t know who she is. 

“Sorry,” I mutter. 

“No biggie. You’re Elijah, right?” Shit, why is this person still talking to me? 

“Um, actually it’s Evan. Look, I’ve really got t-” 

“Oh, Evan. So, who are you dressed as,  _ Evan _ ? 

“Um, uh, you probably don’t know, um. I’m, uh, Calvin.” I’m praying for someone to come rescue me. But no sign of reinforcements. 

“Mm. So, Evan, you here with anyone?” She takes a step closer to me. My brain, being slow again, doesn’t register that she’s hitting on me. That doesn’t happen to me. Not to ‘meh.’ And then I’m reminded of why I ran into this person in the first place. And a bad situation suddenly became a whole lot  _ worse _ . 

I can’t seem to make real words. “I, uh- um, well, uh, so I-, oh no.” I feel a hand on my shoulder.  _ Please be Jared, please be Jared, _ I pray. And for once, my prayers are answered. 

“Um, sorry lady, but I need Evan to help me with something real quick.” He steers me outside. 

“Jared, I- please, t-” 

“Shh. I’ll take you home.” My eyes go wide. 

“No no no, please no, you can’t-” 

“Okay, how about my place?” I nod, and get in the car. 

We drive in silence. Which leaves me to my thoughts. Which is bad, but I don’t want to talk either. I think about the night's events in my head. But no matter what way I spin it, it always seems bad.  _ I mean, he was obviously drunk. It was probably the alcohol talking, _ I think.  _ Yes, but that had to come from somewhere. He called you ‘meh.’ _ I’ve only ever told two people my first name. Jared, and Connor. Jared’s had his fun with it, but never Connor. And even Jared had never played the ‘meh’ card. Not seriously. 

Jared parks the car. He opens my door for me and gently walks me to the door. 

“No one’s home. C’mon.” We head to his room. “You wanna talk about it?” 

_ Go on, tell him _ . “Not now.” He nods. 

“Okay. Get some sleep, okay?” I nod, and he starts to walk out. 

“Hey Jared?” He turns back to me, hope in his eyes. I really don’t want to do this, but I have to. 

“Do you have a pair of pants I can borrow?” 

* * *

Now that I’m lying down, (in a pair of Jared’s sweats), I’m thinking again.  _ He wasn’t there for me. Maybe he planned to be, but he wasn’t. Not when I needed it. He said he was there for me.  _ I start attacking Jared’s pillows.  _ You’re such an idiot Evan. Why should he be there for you? You’re the biggest party killer there ever was.  _ I’m not sure when I started crying, but they’re streaming down my face hard and fast now. Jared comes in, and for once I’m grateful for his presence. He doesn’t ask questions, he just wraps me in a warm embrace. And I sit there and cry.  _ Connor was the one doing this 3 days ago,  _ I think. But he’s not here now. Not when I need him. 


	9. A Party? (Jeremy's POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! The next chapter's going to be another mini perspective type thing. I had a plan to do Evan/Jeremy, but I feel like there are some important things from their perspective that you need. So, yeah. 
> 
> TW: There's some strong language in this chapter, and vomit. Just a heads up. 
> 
> Please leave a comment below on what you think!

Something’s very wrong. It’s like he’s burning. And I’m just adding more fuel. 

_ Friday _

It’s 2. I’m bored. Just sitting here doing nothing. Michael doesn’t have early release like I do. I flop onto my bed and stare at the ceiling. School won’t get out until 2:30. Ugh. I play some video games. Make a snack. Scroll through my instagram. Find various stupid ways to occupy my time until 2:30 rolls around. I decide to text Michael. What’s the worst that could happen? ‘Sorry, I’m busy?’ That’s a risk I’m willing to take. 

_ hey, wyd? _

_ nothing _

_ wanna go 2 the mall? _

_ ill pick u up in 10 _

Perfect. I sit up and pull on the clothes I wore to school today. Say what you want, but I think they’re still clean. Dad and Heidi are both at work, and Evan’s probably getting a ride from Connor right now. They’ll probably crash here. I decide to leave a note just in case. I hear the door open. I assume it’s Evan. 

“Hey Evan?” 

“Ya?” Oh thank goodness it was him. He pokes his head into my room. 

“I’m heading out, just so you know. Michael’s going to pick me up in a bit.” He nods, just as my phone buzzes. 

_ Heere _

That makes me smile. I pull on my jacket and head out. 

“Hey beautiful.” Michael takes my hand and pulls out. 

“How’s the best boyfriend in the whole world today?” I ask. He smiles at me. 

“I don’t know. How  _ are  _ you, Jeremy?” I blush, and turn away. “So, what’s the special occasion?” 

I shrug. “I was bored.” Michael nods knowingly, and turns up the radio as a Taylor Swift song comes on. 

* * *

“Here we go,” Michael says. He sets down the bag of food and the drink carrier. “Alright, Dr. Pepper for you, a Mtn Dew for me, and two plates from panda,” he says as he sets the items down. I take my soda, and eye Michael’s. He catches me. 

“You want some?” He holds it out to me. 

“No! It’s just, how can you still drink that stuff?” He laughs. “I’m serious!” 

“I know babe, and that’s what makes it funny!” I glare at him. “C’mon, have you eaten any wintergreen tic-tacs lately?” I mumble a no. “That’s what I thought.” Whatever. I still won’t drink it. We eat in silence for a little bit. After I finish my food, it looks like Michael hasn’t touched his. I steal a piece of orange chicken off his plate, expecting him to slap my hand away. But he doesn’t. So, warily, I steal another piece. And another. 

“Michael,” I say. 

He turns to me. “Hmm? D’you say something?” 

“No.” I make a show of eating the piece of chicken on my fork. He stares me down, and I see his eyes go wide. 

“Is that,? Is that  _ my _ chicken?” He grabs the fork out of my hand and eats it. 

“Ugh! I won that fair and square!” He grins with his mouth full. 

“C’mon. Let’s go shopping.” I give him a sad smile. 

“Oh honey. You know we’re both broke as hell.” He laughs, which is reassuring. That recent lapse of attention was probably nothing. Everyone spaces out sometimes. 

* * *

“Oh please! For me?” I roll my eyes, but I take the outfit from him. I don’t think there’s anything I wouldn’t do for him. I head into the dressing room to put it on. It’s just a pair of (rather tight) jeans and a button up shirt. I walk out, styling it just for Michael. 

I lean against the wall. “So, what d’ya think, babe?” I shoot him a look that I hope comes off as ‘hot,’ but it probably just looks Stupid. 

He smiles. “This is good, but I think I like the normal you better.” I blush, then turn to head back into my dressing stall. I head back out, and I don’t see Michael. 

“Ha ha Michael, very funny.” I look around, but I still don’t see him. “Michael?” I start looking around the near sections. When I don’t find him there, I decide to wait at the waiting room.  _ He’s probably just finding another outfit _ . So I wait. And wait. And after 5 minutes, I’m done waiting. I start searching the whole store. I look everywhere, and I still can’t find him. My phone buzzes in my pocket and I fumble to get it out. It’s a message from Michael

_ where r u?  _

_ where r  _ u  _? _

_ im at the hot topic _

_ y didnt u tell me?! _

_ i did _

Ugh. Um, no, no you did not. 

_ right, just stay put, im coming _

I shove my phone into my pocket and take off toward the hot topic. I really don’t want to search through another store for him, but he’s standing outside. 

“Where were you?” Michael asks. I see the concern on his face, but I ignore it. 

“Me? _Me?_ _I_ was having a panic attack in a department store because I thought _you’d_ abandoned me. Where were _you_?” 

He opens and closes his mouth, several times. Finally, he squeaks out, “I was here. I thought I told you to meet me here. I’m sorry.” He looks down at his feet. I refuse to let myself feel sorry. I  _ refuse _ . 

I shake my head. “It’s fine. Um, we should probably be heading home, Heidi’s making dinner for us.” He nods, and we head out to the car. We get in and start our drive home in silence. I know I was probably a little hard on him. As we pull into my driveway, I grab his arm. 

“Hey.” He looks up into my eyes. For a brief moment, I see such a sadness in them. A longing for something. Something he can’t possess. But then I kiss him. I’m usually not the one who initiates the kissing, so I think I catch him by surprise. But he eases into it, and I try to put feeling into it that words cannot express. It’s a gentle kiss, but as I feel his lips on mine, I feel a kind of happiness spread through me. A sense of belonging. I pull away, even though I really don’t want to. I lean my forehead against his, looking right into his eyes. He smiles at me. 

“I love you,” I whisper. 

“I love you too.” We sit there like that for a while. Not talking. Not moving. Barely even breathing I’m pretty sure. I would’ve stayed there forever, but my phone buzzed in my pocket. 

“Ugh.” I pull my phone out. “It’s from Evan. He says dinner’s ready.” I give Michael a quick kiss on the nose and then I head in. I don’t hear his car door shut until I’m inside. 

* * *

“Thanks for dinner Heidi,” I say. I go to clear my plate, but Heidi takes it. 

“I’ll clean up. You boys go do whatever it is that you do.” I smile, and thank her again. I head to my room, and everyone makes to follow me. 

“So, what d’you guys wanna do?” Shrugs and indiscernible mumbles answer me. 

“Something that requires minimal effort.” Connor says. Michael looks around. 

“Let’s play Mario Kart. Jared’s not here.” 

* * *

“Dude! That’s the second time I’ve beaten you,” I say. Michael yawns. 

“I think I’m just a little tired. We should play something else.” Evan nods. 

“Okay, like what?” I check the time. It’s only 9:07. 

“Mm, let’s play Uno,” Michael says. Okay. Yeah! I like Uno. I head to the front closet where most of our games are kept. I can’t find an Uno. 

“You looking for something?” Heidi comes up to me, holding a laundry basket. 

“Um, ya. Do we have Uno?” She frowns. 

“I don’t know, honey. Sorry.” She walks away. I stare after her for a while. Could she really replace my mom? Well, no, of course not. No one can  _ replace  _ her. But could I come to love Heidi like a mother? I owe it to her to try. I head back to the room. 

“Hey guys I-” I take in the room. Michael is sound asleep on the bed, and Evan looks like he’s about to pass out on Connor’s shoulder. Evan looks at me. 

“Jere, can I go to sleep?” he mumbles. He wraps his arms around Connor and begins to nod off. 

“We better get him to bed before he falls asleep completely.” Connor nods, and sweeps Evan up in his arms. I’m surprised that Connor can hold him. He does stumble a little, but regains his balance and heads out. Connor may be big, but he’s kinda scrawny. Maybe he’s stronger than he looks. I mean, Evan’s not exactly huge either.

I change into some sweats and a t-shirt, and crawl into bed. I contemplate moving slowly, but Michael’s not going to wake up. He sleeps heavier than a train. I wedge myself under the blankets, and curl up close to Michael. He shifts. 

“G’night, Jere.” He gives me a kiss on the forehead. 

“Oh! Sorry Michael. I didn’t mean to wake you.” He smiles. 

“I’m glad you did.” He kisses me again, this time on the lips. “I love you.” 

I blush. “Love you too,” I mumble. I rest my head against his chest, and fall asleep to the steady rhythm of his breathing. 

* * *

“Michael!” Rich comes up to us, obviously already wasted. “You came!” 

“Ya, I did!” Michael yells over the music. It’s really loud. And hot. Just like last year's party. 

“Look, you two have fun! I’ma go find someon- hey!” He runs off toward some poor, unsuspecting someone. We look at each other, and shrug. We hang out together for most of the night, but at some point we’re pulled away from each other. 

I will admit, I may have gotten a  _ little  _ drunk. But trust me, I was much more sober than the majority of the party. Knowing I’ll probably be driving at least one person home, I try to remain mostly sober. 

Evan swings by a couple times. I’ve got to hand it to him. I mean,  _ I  _ know that he’s way out of his element. But he blends in pretty well. I see Jared and Connor once or twice too. I’m surprised at their conditions. I expected Jared to be  _ very _ drunk, and Connor to, well, probably be stoned. But Jared seems to be more sober than  _ me, _ and Connor? Well, Connor is drunk. Guess I will be driving someone home. Let’s just hope Michael’s sober.  _ Michael! _

I haven’t seen him in a while. I better find him. I look and ask around. No one has seen him, or they’re drunk. Finally I spot him heading into the bathroom. I don’t want to seem like a creep, but I don’t want to lose him again. I attempt to hang around the bathroom nonchalantly, and I pray that no one’s sober enough to notice. I feel like I’ve been waiting just shy of forever when Michael comes out. 

“Michael!” I startle him and he jumps back into an unsuspecting party goer. After a few choice swear words, she storms off. Then he turns to me. 

“What?” Michael seems exasperated. I’m taken aback. What did I do? I must have said that last part aloud, because he shakes his head. 

“Nothing, you’re fine. Did you need something?” I try to drop it. I really do. Promise. 

“Why? Do you have somewhere to be?” I sneer. Michael stutters. I can’t help it. I push further. “Because last time  _ I  _ checked, you had  _ one _ friend.  _ Me _ .” I can tell this one hurt. He just looks at me, opening and closing his mouth. I know I need to stop, before I say something worse. “Whatever. Just, don’t get drunk, because it already looks like one of us is going to be driving Connor home,” I say. 

Michael approaches me. “You don’t have to worry about me.” He pushes past me. I roll my eyes. But I know I went too far. I shouldn't have done that. I’ll need to make it up  _ big  _ time. But now’s not the time. I walk back to the party to see Jared guiding Evan outside. 

“Jared? What’s wrong?” He looks at me, and shakes his head. 

“Just make sure Connor gets home.” I nod. After watching them leave, I head out after them to check whether they’re going home or just stepping out. After seeing that Jared’s car is gone, I get my answer. But something else stops me in my tracks. 

Michael’s car is gone. 

I run back inside, looking for Connor everywhere. I can’t find him anywhere. Eventually I find him, near the drinks. 

“Connor,” I say, grabbing him by the arm. 

“Ugh, what does everyone want? First Evan, now you. Why can’t you guys just leave me be!” This makes me worry about Evan and what I saw earlier, but I don’t have time for that now. 

“C’mon, we have to go.” I drag him outside. 

He stomps his foot like a giant toddler. “Why?!” 

I stop. “Because I can’t leave you here drunk, and I have to go.” He resists a little more, but finally gives in. I realize I don’t know where Connor lives, so I just take him to my place. We don’t quite make it there without stopping though. 

5 minutes from home. “Pull over,” Connor says. And I’m not stupid, (mostly), so I pull over. Just in time apparently, because he doesn’t even make it out of the car before he hurls what I hope is a whole lot of alcohol. After a little while of him not vomiting, I decide to check in. 

“Hey buddy, you okay?” He looks about ready to murder me. But he softens, and he just looks hurt and confused. 

“No. Fuck, I can’t remember anything.” He puts his hands on his head. “How drunk was I?  _ Am _ I?” I give him a sad smile. 

“On a scale of sober to dead, I give you a 7.” He bends over to hurl again. 

“Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.” He bangs his hands on the car with each one. He looks at me. “What’d I do? Is Evan okay?” I bite my lip. 

“You don’t remember anything?” 

“Shit. Jeremy, what’d I do? What’d I do?!”

I hold my hands up. “Okay, okay. I don’t know much, and I don’t even know if it was you. But Evan left with Jared a little before us. And when I came to get you, you said that people kept bothering you, and you may have mentioned Evan’s name.”

Connor vomits again. He shakes his head. “Fuck. Alright.” He gets in the car. “Let’s go.” 

“You sure you’re okay?” 

“No man, I’m not okay! But fuck my car, I more worried about Evan!” I shake my head, but speed home. 

* * *

Michael’s not here. Neither is Evan. 

“Shit.” I mutter under my breath. Connor looks at me questioningly. “I may have messed things up with Michael.” He nods. 

“Well, I guess we’re both fuck ups. Look, do you have any tylenol, advil, anything?” I head to the medicine cabinet and bring back some water and advil. 

“Thanks.” He takes a few and hands me the bottle. “Look, I’m going to go lie down. You should probably tell Heidi where Evan is.” I nod, and he leaves for Evan’s room. I search the house for Heidi, but I only find dad. 

“What’s up Jeremy?” 

I hesitate, but proceed. “Have you seen Heidi?” 

He looks surprised. “No, she’s working a night shift. What do you need?” 

“Oh, nothing. Just had a question. Um, I thought she was done working night shifts?” 

“She had to do this one. The hospital needed some help, they were a little over run.” I nod, and head back to my room. I check my phone. One missed message. From unknown. 

_ jeremy, this is jared. is everything ok? _

_ depends on how u look at it. but not rly _

_ shit. alright, r connor and michael safe?  _

_ connor, yes. i dont know were michael is. is evan ok? _

_ no, he’s not. safe, but not okay. some shit went down between him and connor _

_ u better text heidi and tell her were he is. shes at work _

_ k _

Everyone is accounted for. Everyone but Michael. Now I’m feeling like a real dickwad. I try to convince myself he’s just at home. I decide to text him. 

_ hey. hope ur safe. plz text, we need 2 talk. Love you❤️ _

He doesn’t answer.  _ He’s probably asleep _ . I decide to get some sleep as well. I’m no good to anyone tired. It takes a while, but I eventually fall into a fitful sleep. 


	10. Something In Between?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the mini chapter, as promised. The next chapter may come a bit later. I know WHAT I want, I just don't know HOW I want it yet. So, sorry!
> 
> Anyway, please leave a comment below, and tell me whether you like this mini chapters or not. :)

Jared: And so, with Evan finally asleep in my arms, I’m left with my own thoughts. Did Connor fuck up enough for Evan to be mine? Probably not. I mean, he  _ was _ drunk. Evan still loves him, even if Connor said some pretty nasty things. And I know Evan’s anxiety will blow it out of proportion. But he’s mine for now. And honestly, deep down, I  _ do  _ hope they make up. Because whether I like it or not, Evan will always need Connor. Not me.

* * *

Connor: Between my killer headache and the worry, I don’t get much sleep. I rack my brains for some measly detail from the party. But I can’t remember Evan at all. Shit. Why am I such a fuck-up? And Jeremy says Jared was with Evan. Which means he’ll blow the whole thing out of proportion, on account that he’s a dick. Too late now. I told Evan I’d be there for him. Shit. I wrap myself in Evan’s blankets, because this may be the closest I’ll get to him for a while. 

* * *

Michael: The ‘fight’ was my last straw. I couldn’t do it anymore. I just don’t know what’s  _ wrong _ with me. I live a good life. My moms take care of me. I’ve always done  _ decently _ in school. And despite what Jeremy thinks, I do have  _ some _ friends. Seems like a not so terrible life, right? But then why do I feel so  _ empty _ , all the time? Why isn’t what I have enough for me? Will it  _ ever _ , be enough? 


	11. Sunday? (Evan's POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! (I hope you guys are actually out there.) Here's the next chapter! I would love to hear what you think! 
> 
> Enjoy!

I wake up to sunlight streaming in through the window. I begin to sit up, but fall back into bed. I bury my head into Connor’s shoulder. 

“You up now, sleepyhead?” His voice sounds different. Or maybe that’s just me. 

“No! I’m still asleep.” I pull a pillow over my head. 

“Mm. Well, how’d you sleep? Or, how  _ are  _ you sleeping?” I answer as well as I can with my face smushed between the bed and the pillow. 

“Well, I had a bad dream. You were there actually.” I open my eyes, with the intention of sitting up. But something’s off. This isn’t my bed. My sheets aren’t this color. Neither are Connor’s. I sit up so fast that I get vertigo. 

“Woah, Ev, you okay?” I turn my head to see Jared on the bed next to me. My body, seemingly having a mind of it’s own, scuttles my way right off the bed. I fall with a loud thump onto the floor. Jared pokes his head over the edge of the bed. 

“Dude, what’s wrong?” I stand up a little too fast, and the room spins a little. But I regain my balance, and my brain searches for pieces of the puzzle I’m trying to put together. Why am I at Jared’s?  _ Because he took you home from the party last night.  _ Why did Jared take me home?  _ Because you were having a panic attack. _ Why was I having a panic attack?  _ Because . . . because . . . _ Oh. 

“Where’s my phone?” I say, suddenly panicked. 

“Oh, um.” Jared looks around. “Is it still in your pants?” I grab my pants off of a chair, and sure enough it’s in one of the back pockets. I breathe a sigh of relief, and begin to look through my messages. One from Connor, and one from my mom. I open the one from my mom. 

_ Jared told me you were spending the night. Hope everything’s okay, I love you! _

_ yes, im ok. love u too _

My finger hovers over the message from Connor. But I eventually return my phone to my pocket. I don’t need that right now. Best leave that package closed for as long as I can. 

“So.” Jared voice startles me. “You wanna get some breakfast?” I nod, and we head downstairs. 

* * *

Jared doesn’t bring it up. And I’m glad he doesn’t. I myself work hard all day to keep it from my mind. We play video games almost all day. We dance around the subject of last night in our conversations. Around 3, my phone buzzes in my pocket. Jared hits pause on the game, and I check it. It’s from my mom. 

_ Hey honey, you ever plan on coming home? _

_ do i have to?  _

_ Honey, you do have school tomorrow, remember?  _

_ i know. can i please stay at jareds tonight? he can take me to school tomorrow _

_ What’re you going to wear to school tomorrow? _

_ can you bring me clothes? _

_ Fine. But you’re coming home tomorrow. _

_ yes, of course. thanks mom _

“What was that all about?” Jared asks. 

“Oh, my mom was just wondering if I was staying the night.” He nods, and plays the game. We don’t get to play for very long before the doorbell rings. 

“Wonder who that could be,” Jared wonders aloud, as he pauses the game. 

“Oh, that’s probably my mom. She said she was bringing some clothes for me to wear to school tomorrow.” We both go to the door, and I’m shocked when it’s not my mom at the door. 

It’s Connor. I take an involuntary step back, as my brain overloads. What is Connor doing here? Is he here to apologize? Is he here to continue to ridicule me? Is he here to break up with me?  _ I’m sorry I yelled at you Evan, but I’ve realized that you really are kind of a loser. So, I’m breaking up with you.  _ I must look very stupid, standing in the doorway, just staring at him. But Jared comes to my rescue, again. 

“What do  _ you _ want?” he sneers. 

“I just- um, I was- well, you see, I was just, um bringing these,” he stutters, as he holds up a plastic bag with my clothes. Jared snatches it from his hands, and hands it to me. 

“Here, you can take these upstairs, Evan.” I nod, grateful for the excuse to leave. On my way back down however, Connor is still here. I wait at the end of the hall, far enough away that they can’t see me, but I can hear them. 

“How is Evan?” Connor asks, with what sounds like genuine plea in his voice. 

“Evan? How’s  _ Evan _ ? Oh, he’s fine. Yeah, he just left the party last night, having a panic attack. He won’t tell me what’s the hell's  going on, and he sobbed for about half an hour last night before falling asleep. But other than that,  _ sure, _ he’s just fucking  _ fine! _ ” The last word comes out like an attack. No one talks for a bit. I risk a peek around the corner. Jared stands, fuming, in the doorway. Connor stands shock still on the porch, his eyes wide with . . . fear? I mean, I would be scared to. Connor may be a full head taller than Jared, but the way he’s staring him down. I’m surprised Connor’s still standing. Jared calms himself, but I swear the next words come with even more fury. The quiet kind. The scariest kind. 

“What, did you do?” Connor stares down at his feet, but looks up after a bit. 

“I don’t know. I can’t remember. No one knows what I said. Except Evan.” He returns his gaze to his shoes. Jared shakes his head, and pushes his glasses up his nose. 

“Just go. Whatever it is, Evan’s clearly not ready to discuss it. And I don’t think your  _ presence, _ ” he points to Connor, “is going to help.” He doesn’t wait for Connor’s response before closing the door. I hurry back to the couch, and try to look as casual as possible. We continue playing the game. And although he’s trying to be inconspicuous, I catch his constant worried glances in my direction. 


	12. Sunday? (Jeremy's Pov)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyy. Here's the next chapter. Enjoy, and let me know what you think! :)

I wake up to my phone buzzing on my bedside table. I rush to grab it, and accidentally knock it off the desk. I practically roll/crawl out of bed to get it off of the floor. Still lying on the floor, I check the message. It’s from Mrs. Mell. 

_Hi Jeremy, just checking to make sure that Michael’s okay. He hasn’t been answering my calls, just wanted to make sure :)_

_wait, u mean hes not there?_

_No, I thought he was staying the night at your place . . ._

_i thought he was with u_

_No, he’s not._

Oh no. No, no no no no, this can’t be happening. I pound my floor in frustration, but instantly regret it. Nursing my sore fist, I head out into the kitchen. To do what, I’m not sure. My stomach is twisted in knots of nausea and unease. My brain, still trying to make sense of the last 24 hours, barely registers my surroundings. It seems that everyone but my dad is up. Heidi’s cooking something on the stove, and looks up when I walk in. 

“Oh, Jeremy! Glad to see you’re awake. Do you want some eggs?” I give a small nod, and she smiles back. I take a seat across from Connor, who’s already nearly finished with his breakfast. He eyes me as I sit down. 

“Any news about Michael?” Connor asks, his voice barely above a whisper. 

“Nothing good. Apparently he didn’t go home last night.” I shake my head in defeat and dismay. I catch a glimpse of what looks like worry on Connor’s face, and realize he must feel the same about Evan. 

“Don’t worry, I got confirmation from Jared that Evan’s safe.” He nods, but the look doesn’t go. I sit there, picking at the hem of my shirt until Heidi sets down a plate in front of me. 

“Here you go sweetie. Connor, there’s still some eggs left, do you want any more?” Connor smiles, but shakes his head. “Alrighty, well if you boys need anything, I’ll just be downstairs.” And with one last smile, she’s gone. I pick at my eggs, but I have no appetite. After a while, I decide to just throw them away. 

“I’m just gonna go lie down for a bit. Try and get rid of this headache,” Connor says. I give a barely discernible nod, and he marches off to Evan’s room. I head to my own room not long after, where I spend a vast majority of my day pacing. Thinking of where Michael may be. How I can contact him. Is he hurt? Is he mad? Well, of course he’s mad. I said some pretty awful stuff. 

I don’t eat lunch. My appetite still hasn’t returned. Should I go looking for him? Or will he just return and then I’ll be lost. But what if he doesn’t return? And I’m just sitting here on my ass, doing nothing. Even if I do go looking for him, where would I look? _How_ would I look? I don’t have a car. I don’t even have a bike. I debate asking Connor to borrow his car. Would he let me? My head is filled with questions, but I have no answers. Do you know how frustrating that is?! 

Thankfully, at this exact moment when I am ready to curl up into a ball and cry, Connor knocks on my door. He takes up almost my entire doorway, but he looks so small and shrunken. 

“Hey, I’m going to try to talk some sense into Evan.” I give a curt nod. He looks down and concentrates his efforts on kicking my carpet. “I was thinking we could maybe look for Michael too. If you want,” he hurries to add. I perk up. I try not to seem too eager, but I would like nothing more than to look for Michael right now. And Connor has provided me with a way to do that. 

“Yes.” My voice cracks, and I clear my throat. “I mean, ahem, sure. That sounds great.” He nods, and heads out of my room. I grab a hoodie off of my chair and head out my door, right into Heidi. 

“Oh Jeremy! Are you heading out?” 

“Sorry. Um, ya. Do you need something?” She holds out a small plastic bag. 

“Could you take these to Evan? He’s staying the night at Jared’s, and he needs clothes for school tomorrow.” I take the bag from her. 

“Sure thing, Heidi.” She gives me a sad sort of smile, but I don’t have time to study it before she thanks me and walks away. I shrug, and head out to where Connor sits in the car. I open the passenger side door and toss him the bag. 

“What is this?” A look similar to disgust appears on his features. 

“Your ticket to Evan. They’re his clothes, he’s staying the night at Jared's.” He seems torn between gratitude and anger. But he sets the bag down on the back seat, and pulls out of the driveway. 

* * *

From my vantage point, it doesn’t look like it went so well. Jared slammed the door in Connor’s face. He’s smoking a joint outside while I try to think of where the hell Michael could be. I’ve been texting Mrs. Mell, trying to brainstorm where he could be. Hell, I’ve been texting Rich, Jake, Chloe, anyone who might have a clue. But no one seems to know where he is. I’m growing more and more agitated by the minute. At this point, I just hope he’s still alive. And I know I’m probably over exaggerating. It hasn’t even been a full 24 hours. He’s probably fine. But I just can’t help thinking that this is all my fault. A voice next to me makes me jump. 

“That’s because it is,” Connor says, and I realize I must have said that last but out loud. I feel myself folding in. Connor seems to realize what he said, and tries to amend. 

“Look, it’s nothing to beat yourself up about. I mean, look at me. I screwed up pretty bad too. I mean, Evan hates me now too.” He pauses, and I see him give a small nod. “Anyway, what I’m trying to say, I guess, is that Michael will be fine.” 

* * *

I don’t think he’s fine. We still can’t find him. My mind is going a thousand miles an hour by the time we pull into my driveway. Connor turns to me. 

“Look, I gotta go. My parents are already going to kill me, so. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?” I just give a nod and head inside. Connor looks as if he wants to say something else, but he doesn’t. 

I feel like my brain is on automatic. I hang up my jacket. I get some food. I say good night to dad and Heidi. I shower. I pace. I scroll through my phone. I play video games. I look at an essay I have due on Friday. I pace some more. I try to sleep, but fail. I find various stupid ways to occupy my time. I even open a book at some point. I decide to go for a walk around midnight, to try and clear my head. But all I can think about is Michael. Michael, beaten and bruised in an alleyway. Michael, scared and alone in a park. Michael, lost and dejected in a crowd. By the time I get home again, I can tell that my body is tired. But my mind couldn’t be more awake. Nevertheless, I decide that I _need_ sleep. So, defeated, I walk into my room. But something makes me stop. 

“Hey Jere.”


	13. The Truth? (Evan's POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! Okay, sorry guys, I know this chapter took a long time. I've had a kinda off week, so my editing may be pretty bad. But, um, here it is! I hope you all are having a fantabulous day, and enjoy!

I don’t want to go to school. I really don’t. But I know there’s no way I’m getting out of it. Painstakingly, I get ready to go. Shower. Comb my hair. Change into my clothes. Pick at some Cap’n Crunch. I swear, the only cereal Jared ever has is Cap’n Crunch. All in all, I’m ready to go 5 minutes early. I try to distract myself, by checking my phone. Most posts are about Friday’s party, something I’d rather not be reminded of. I turn off my phone and shove it in my pocket. Without a distraction, my mind starts reeling. 

Connor will probably be at school. Unless he skips. Which isn't unheard of, but he doesn’t skip as much anymore. So, I’ll probably see him at school. Will he try to approach me? Will he try and apologize? Will he try to humiliate me further? Maybe he’ll just ignore me. After all, why should he pay any attention to little old. . . ‘ _ meh _ .’ 

“You ready to go?” I nod as Jared grabs his keys off the counter. The silence in the car is filled only with whatever’s on the radio. I fidget with the hem off my shirt, and wonder if I should try to start a conversation. But ultimately, I do not, and so we drive in silence. As we pull into the senior parking lot, Jared turns to me. 

“Hey, Ev,” he says. “I’ve got your back today. No matter what.” I nod, and he gets out of the car. I sit for a second, stunned. He reminded me so much of Connor in that moment, it scared me a bit. I shake the thought from my head, and face whatever horrors await me today. 

As we walk in, Jeremy and Michael. 

“Hey, you found Michael!” Jared exclaims. My eyebrows furrow. 

“Michael was missing?” I ask. 

“I wasn’t really  _ missin- _ ” 

“You were too! You scared the shi-  _ shiz _ out of me!” Michael blushes. 

“I’m sorry,” he mutters. Jeremy nudges his shoulder. 

“It’s okay.” He reaches up and ruffels Michael’s hair. “I’m just happy you’re safe.” They walk away hand in hand, and I feel a deep pain in my chest. 

“C’mon Evan,” Jared says. 

* * *

It’s lunch time. I’ve been dreading this the most. The rest of the day has been okay. Connor  _ is _ here. But he hasn’t tried to talk to me. Maybe he’s waiting to torment me until the perfect moment. And I have a sneaking suspicion that time is now. I take a seat next to Jared at our usual spot. Jeremy and Michael take their seats across from us. I watch the cafeteria entrances, waiting for Connor to come. My leg starts bouncing, and I don’t notice until Jared puts his hand on my knee. 

“Dude, breath.” I nod. I tear my eyes from the door, but I can’t help surveying the crowd every once in a while. I turn to my usual Sunbutter sandwich, and even this little sense of familiarity infuriates me.  _ Oh no, we can’t change everything about Evan’s life. What can we give him to cope? Oh, I know! A sandwich, kids love those things! _ It just pisses me off for some reason. I pick at my sandwich as I scan the crowd again. No Connor. I sorta wish he would just get it over with. 

“Evan!” I turn to see Jeremy staring at my hands with fear and confusion. I look down and see that I have completely mutilated my sandwich. I dust off my hands as best I can. 

“Sorry,” I mutter, mostly to the floor. Jeremy shakes his head. 

“You know Connor feels really bad about . . . whatever happened. He was really drunk, you know? I mean, really,  _ really _ drunk. He puked a lot on our way home.” He shudders at the memory. “I think maybe you should hear him out. No one even knows what he did. Not even Connor. Except you.” I open my mouth, but close it again. I’m not ready to relive that. Thankfully, Jared comes to my rescue. How many times will he have to do that? 

“Look, Jeremy, if Evan doesn’t want to talk about it, he doesn’t have to.” Jeremy sighs. 

“You’re right. But Evan, we can’t help you if you won’t talk to us.” The lunch bell rings, and we all get up to go to class. 

* * *

After school, Jared follows me to my locker. Jeremy nods to us as he walks by, but doesn’t say anything. 

“Asshole,” he mutters. I shake my head. 

“He was just trying to help earlier.” I spin my combo into my lock. 

“Ya, but he didn’t need to pressure you like that. It’s your decision whether you want to talk about it or n-” 

“He called me meh,” I blurt. My hands go to my mouth. Jared’s eyes go wide. 

“What?” I regret telling him so much. Why couldn’t I keep my mouth shut? He didn’t need to know that. But I guess there’s no going back now. I stare down at the floor and kick some imaginary ball. 

“He, um, he called me meh.” I tell him the scenario, repeating word for word our exchange. I can see the anger growing in his eyes. 

“When I find that bastar-” 

“Jared, he doesn’t know he said that. That’s what Jeremy says, he was drunk.” I fidget with the strings on my backpack. 

“That doesn’t excuse it Evan. He hurt you.” I look up into his eyes, and the anger is replaced with- pity? Sorrow? “Oh look, speak of the devil.” I turn to see Connor walking down the hall toward us. Jared makes to go after him, but I grab his arm and yank him back. He approaches us, and I lament the lack of things to hide behind. Nevertheless, I try my very best to make myself as small as possible. 

“Hey,  _ buddy _ ,” Jared says. “How are you?” Connor shoots him a glare, before turning to me. 

“Evan, whatever I did, I’m sorry. Pl-” 

“Oh, Connor. You wanna know what you did?” Connor opens his mouth to speak, but Jared interrupts. “You called him  _ meh _ .” Connor’s eyes go wide. 

“Ev, is this true?” I nod, and turn to Jared.

“I can’t tell the story again,” I whisper. He nods sorrowfully. He turns back to Connor, all traces of warmth gone. He recounts the story, with my intermediate input when he gets a detail wrong. I close my locker. 

“So you see, I don’t think  _ ‘sorry’ _ is quite gonna cut it.” He heads toward the car, and I make to follow him. But Connor holds me back. His eyes are full of shock and hurt. 

“Is it true?” I nod, and look at the ground. He shakes his head. “Ev, I’m so sorry.”

“Hey Ev, you coming?” I hear Jared call. I look back up at Connor. 

“Ev?” I pull my arm away. 

“It’s Evan.” 


	14. The Truth? (Jeremy's POV)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OH MY GOSH YOU GUYS I HAD SO MUCH FUN WRITING THIS CHAPTER!!!!
> 
> Also, 500 hits! Thank you guys so much, your support keeps me going <3
> 
> Okay, so I'm torn between writing an Evan chapter next or doing another mini chapter. So, please comment below and tell me which one you'd rather have!
> 
> Enjoy!

Yeah. So. Obviously, some shit went down last night. But I’m not going to tell you about it, because it’s between me and Michael. 

I’m kidding. Sit down, I’ll tell you everything. 

~~~ Last night ~~~

“M-m-  _ Michael _ ?!” I run over and throw my arms around him. He’s okay. He’s not dead in an alleyway. I only pull away when I realize that he’s not hugging me back. I stare into his eyes. And what I see scares me more than him being missing. It pierces my very core, and it hurts my heart. Hurt, confusion, sadness. Things I’ve felt too, and they’re not fun. He looks so lost, and it kills me to know that I did this to him.  _ I _ made him feel this way. 

“Oh Michael. I’m so- I’m  _ so  _ sorry, I-” I sit down on my bed, unable to hold back the tears any longer. Loud, racking sobs that prevent me from choking out any more of an apology. Cautiously, Michael sits down next to me and puts his arm around me. I bury my face in his shoulder and take in his familiar scent. Slowly, I get my breathing under control. I wipe my eyes. 

“I’m sorry. Are you okay?” I ask. Michael gives me a sad smile, and hesitates before answering. 

“I’m wonderful. How are you?” I take a deep breath before answering. 

“I’ve been awful. I mean, as soon as I saw you’d left, I pulled Connor away from the party and went to find you. I thought you must be at your own place, so I left you a text. Then, when your mom texted me that you weren’t there, I started to really worry. So, I wanted to look for you, but I didn’t have a car. I was gonna ask Connor to borrow his, but I didn’t. He ended up offering anyway, because he wanted to try and talk to Evan. So, he went and saw Evan, which didn’t go so well, and then we looked for you. But we couldn’t find you. So, he dropped me off here, and then I went for a walk, and I convinced myself that you were dead in an alleyway somewhere, so I came back, and now we’re here.” I exhale and look at Michael. He smiles at me, but it is quickly replaced by a look of confusion. 

“Wait, what happened to Evan?” I lay back on the bed. 

“M, it’s awful. I mean, it might not be  _ that _ bad, but we can’t tell because Evan won’t tell us what happened.” Michael lays down next to me and snuggles up next to me. 

“Well then, tell me what you  _ do _ know.” I take a deep breath before I begin. 

“Alright. So, we know that Connor said something to Evan. Something bad. We also know Connor was  _ very _ drunk.” 

“Mm-hmm. I saw him on my way out.” 

“Yeah. So, anyway, when I saw you were gone, I grabbed Connor, because he needed a ride, and I needed his car. I swear, that guy must’ve vomited 12 times. Anyway, we get home, and Evan’s not here, and you’re not here, and we’re both freaking out. Next day,  _ today _ , Connor goes to talk to Evan, and ends up having a door slammed in his face by none other than Jared.” I throw my hands up in the air. “Things aren’t looking so hot for them right now. Evan won’t even talk to Connor.” Michael nods, sitting up. 

“Yeah. That’s pretty bad.” He puts his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. I let him sit like this for a while before intervening. I sit up and wrap my arms around him. 

“Hey, are you okay?” He turns to me and nods. But the tired look in his eyes leaves me unconvinced. “Tell me really.” Michael sighs and takes my hands, staring at them while he speaks. 

“Jeremy, I'm definitely okay. Maybe not great, but definitely okay. I’ve got you,” he looks up at me as he says this. “I’ve got a home, not one but  _ two _ moms who love me, and I have been blessed with mad Mario Kart skills.” This makes me chuckle. But then I look at him. 

“So, does this mean  _ we’re  _ okay?” I try to hide it, but I can hear the concern creeping into my voice. Michael takes my face in his and kisses me. He pulls away and looks me in the eyes. 

“Does that answer your question?” 

“Um, no, not really.” 

“Jere, you can be such an idiot sometimes,” Michael says, taking one of my pillows and beating me with it. I attempt to block his attempts, and grab a pillow of my own. After getting smacked in the face with a pillow for the 43rd time, I collapse on my bed, laughing hard. Michael collapses next to me.

“You coward,” he says, laughing. And we sit like that, laughing until we can no longer breathe. Michael rolls over next to me, his face mere inches from mine. He reaches up and pushes some hair out of my face. 

“Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are?” I feel myself blushing profusely. 

“Well, I- uh, I, um, uh- uh- I don’t really-, um, well, you see, I-” And suddenly his lips are on mine. He cups my face with one hand, and as he pulls away he turns my head toward his. 

“Sometimes you really don’t know how to shut up,” he whispers. I kiss him again, knowing that words will never be able to express how much I love him. Especially not my words. I reach up and wrap my arms around his neck, and his hands snake around to my waist, pulling me closer. Our legs entangle, and we pull each other closer. I hold him so tight, never wanting to let go. Hoping I’ll never have to. These last few days-  _ day _ \- have been so hard without him. I just- I love him  _ so much _ , it hurts? Knowing it would kill me to lose him. But he’s mine now. And so I hold him. Tears begin falling from my eyes, and Michael pulls away, something I really wish he wouldn’t do. 

“Is something wrong?” I see the concern in his eyes. Call me crazy, but it warms my heart to know it’s for me. 

“No, no. I just love you so much.” He smiles at me. “I hope you know that. That I’d love no matter what. I wouldn’t care if you were 4 feet tall, or 10. I wouldn’t care if your hair were long or short, blonde or black. I wouldn’t care if you could kick my ass at video games, or if you hated them. I wouldn’t care if you hated  _ me. _ ” I pause to wipe away the tears now falling from his eyes. “I would love you no matter what.” He chuckles through the tears. 

“I love you too, Jere.” I kiss him, and I feel our tears mixing. And it hits me just how much I’m scared of losing him. But I push that away. Because he’s here now, and he’s mine for now. So I do the only thing I can; I hold him close and love the hell out of him. 


	15. Love? (Evan's POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyy, I know I posted yesterday, sorry. But I thought you probably wouldn't mind another chapter sooner. And I had a lot of fun writing this one, so I hope you like it! ;)

Oh shit. I’m in way over my head. I’m in deep, deep shit. 

Why is that you ask?

Because I’m in love with Jared Kleinman. 

* * *

Fun fact: Jared was  _ technically  _ my first kiss.  _ Technically.  _ I mean, we all have that ‘first kiss’ in like, kindergarten that no one wants to count because, really, it didn’t. But Jared was my first  _ real _ kiss. And I can’t believe I’m about to do this, but I’ll tell you all about it. 

8th grade. I know that’s kinda late, but wasn’t exactly good at talking to girls. Me and Jared became fast friends. Anyway, the annual school dance was coming up. We’re sitting at lunch one day, and Jared leans over to me. 

“Hey, who you gonna ask to the dance?” I look up and see his smile, and I just know he’s up to something. 

“Um, I don’t really know. I was kinda planning on not going.” Jared gasps. 

“Not going? Dude, we’re at the bottom of the social pyramid as is. We  _ have _ to go, and we  _ have _ to have hot dates.” And  _ I, _ do not like the sound of this. “Okay, so, here’s the plan. By the end of the day, you and I are both going to have dates. Deal?” Um, no. Not ‘ _ deal’ _ . 

“Well, what happens if we don’t have a date?” I ask tentatively. He spends the next few minutes, presumably thinking up a consequence so horrible, that I’ll  _ have _ to get a date. 

“Okay, how about this. If neither of us have a date, . . . we’ll have to date each other.” I groan. 

“That will take too long, I need a punishment that I can get over with. And besides, that’s not even that bad. You just have to buy me food.” 

“Ugh, fine. And if by some miracle we  _ do _ ever date, you’ll be buying  _ me _ food.” I roll my eyes and turn back to my lunch. He continues thinking about it for a little while longer. Eventually, he snaps his fingers and turns to me. 

“I’ve got it. If we don’t have dates at the end of the day, you have to kiss me.” I choke on the baby carrot in my mouth a little. 

“What?” 

“C’mon dude, you heard what I said. Believe me, I hate it just as much as you do. It’s supposed to be bad. So that you’re more pressured to get a date.” 

“But why do  _ I  _ have to kiss  _ you _ ? How come you’re not kissing me?” Jared mumbles something that I can’t understand. 

“Fine, fine. We’ll kiss each other. Happy?” 

“Not particularly, but it’ll do.” 

“Great. Now, if you’ll just get a date, we won’t have to kiss each other.” I nod, and we shake on it.

Needless to say, neither of us got a date. We avoided talking about it all day, not wanting to serve our punishment. We hung out at Jared’s after school, playing video games. Conversation was in short supply. And at some point, I reached the conclusion that it was worth suffering on my part, to make Jared suffer. And so, I gathered up what little courage I had, and I asked the question. 

“So, who’d you get for your date to the dance?” He didn’t answer. Instead, he focused his attention even more fervently on the screen. “Jared?” I relish his obvious discomfort. 

“Ididntreallyfindadate,” he mumbles. 

“What was that?” He glares at me. 

“I didn’t get a date, okay? What about you, where’s your date?” I can’t help it. I shrink a little. 

“I, sorta, kinda, couldn’t really, find one either?” Jared scoffs. 

“Did you even try?” 

“I-”

“I bet you’re just  _ dying _ to get some Jared action.” He starts making kissing noises. I can feel my face getting red. 

“Nuh-uh. I’m just not good at talking to girls!” He mumbles something that sounds an awful lot like ‘that’s really too bad.’ We sit there, not daring to move or say anything for a few moments. But finally, Jared sighs. 

“Well, I guess we’d better get it over with.” 

“Do we have to?” I really didn’t want Jared Kleinman, of all people, to be my first kiss. 

“Yes Evan. We shook on it. Now, if you’d just gotten a date, th-”

“Hey, you didn’t get a date either,” I point out. He just rolls his eyes. 

“So, do we just just-?” My mouth has gone inexplicably dry, so I just do a sorta half shrug half nod. Slowly, we lean our faces together and our lips collide. It was really awkward. His glasses were pushing into my face, I think I may have bit him. And we definitely stayed like that for much longer than we needed to. Like, five whole seconds. Eventually, I kinda yanked myself away. Neither of us said anything for a while. I felt myself blushing profusely, but why should I? I didn’t like Jared, he didn’t like me. It was a joke. 

Jared cleared his throat. “So, should we, uh,” he stuttered, motioning toward the TV. 

“Oh, uh, yeah, ya.” And that was that. We never spoke of it again. 

* * *

And here we are again. Four years later. Monday after school. Sitting on the very same couch. Playing video games. And I can’t help but looking at Jared a little differently. He’s just been so helpful these last few days, and standing by me. Maybe it was the way he stood up to Connor. Maybe it was the way he called me Ev. Connor was the only one who’d ever called me that. 

Jared catches me staring at him. “What?” I wake up from my daze. 

“Oh, it’s nothing, just-. Do you-? Na, it’s stupid.” I turn back to the game. No way I’m bringing up that right now. 

“C’mon Ev, you have to tell me now!” He slides across the couch until our knees touch. I sigh. 

“Okay, fine. Do you remember that time in 8th grade when we had to kiss each other if we didn’t find dates?” I immediately regret telling him, assuming that he’ll think I’m weird. But he covers his face with his hands instead. 

“Ugh, how could I forget?” He laughs, which makes me laugh too. And I have a very strong and sudden desire to kiss him. 

Heat begins to creep up into my cheeks. I know I’m going to regret this, but I do it anyway. 

“Um, do you maybe, um, well, only if you- uh, I- um. Do wanna, do it again?” I wince, scared of his answer. But he grins. 

“I thought you’d never ask.” 


	16. Love? (Jeremy's POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaa okay, I had a lot of fun writing this chapter. This chapter is pure fluff, and I hope you like it!

“Good morning, beautiful!” I groan, and emerge from the warm blankets. “Oh, maybe not so beautiful,” I hear Michael say. I throw a pillow at him and he sniggers. I fall back into the bed. 

“Why did you wake me up? It’s like, 5am!” I turn over and cover my head with the blankets, only to have Michael rip them off again. 

“C’mon dude, don’t you remember what today is? And it’s actually 5:30, so.” Reluctantly, I swing my legs out of bed and sit up. 

“5:30? What is so important that you’d wake me up at 5:30 on a Sunday?” I yawn, attempting to rub the grogginess from my eyes. Michael sighs and sits down next to me. 

“Jeremy, sweetheart, love of my life.” He puts a hand on my shoulder. “I want you to think really hard. What happened today last year?” In fear, I scramble for any minor detail. Let’s see, today is November 15, this time last year I was probably in the hospital. . .

“Oh! Oh my gosh, how could I forget?” I shake my head and make a show of ‘silly me.’ I take my hands and place them on his. “Happy birthday, babe.” I give my sweetest and most genuine smile, knowing full well that his birthday is in August. He stares at me, with a look that clearly conveys, ‘you’re an idiot.’ I throw my arms around him and pull him down onto my bed. 

“I’m kidding, M. I know it’s our anniversary.” I kiss him quickly on the nose and get up to get ready. He sits up, adjusting his glasses that I knocked off. 

“Jeez, Jer. Don’t scare me like that!” I pull a t-shirt out of my drawer and put it on. I yawn as I pull a pair of jeans out as well. 

“But seriously, why do we have to be up so early?” Michael just rolls his eyes at me. I guess he’s not telling me. I button up my jeans and throw on a hoodie. Michael looks up as I approach him.

“Ready to go?” I open my mouth to speak, but this must have been a rhetorical question because he is already out the door. 

“Go where?” I call after him, but he doesn’t stop. I sigh, and follow after him. 

* * *

Around 6, we pull into a Krispy Kreme. I turn to Michael. 

“This is why we needed to be up at 5:30?” He smirks at me. 

“Partially. C’mon.” He unbuckles his seatbelt and gets out. I sigh, but it quickly turns into a yawn. I guess I’m not getting any straight answers from him. Figures. 

We head inside and I’m greeted by the familiar sweet scent that only accompanies Krispy Kreme donuts. Looking around, there’s about 10 other people in the shop. I guess Michael’s not the only one who gets up at 5 for donuts. I get behind him in line, and rest my head on his shoulder. He smells good. Like lavender and old spice. And my head just fits so perfectly in the crook of his neck. Michael is just familiar. His scent, his laugh, the rise and fall of his chest. I try to commit it to memory, but know I will fail. But Michael will always be there to remind me. I lean heavier into his side, willing myself to be closer to him. He’s so warm, and cuddly, and-

“Jere,” Michael says, snapping out of my thoughts. I look up at him, still resting my head on his shoulder. 

“What?” He giggles. One of  _ the _ cutest sounds known to man. He bops my nose. 

“You can’t fall asleep yet.” I stand up straight and rub my eyes. 

“I wasn’t falling asleep. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Michael laughs and shakes his head. 

* * *

5 minutes and a dozen donuts later, we head back out to the car. I turn to Michael, determined to get an answer. 

“Okay, we’ve got donuts. Will you tell me where we’re going  _ now _ ?!” He gives me a sickly sweet smile. 

“Hmm. No, I don’t think so.” He begins to pull out of the parking lot. I let out a small ‘hmph’ and fold my arms across my chest in defiance. This backfires though, as it just makes him laugh. Sensing my defeat, I pull out my phone. I plug in the aux cord, and begin scrolling through my playlists. I finally settle on a 2000’s playlist. 

We jam out to whatever comes on, singing fairly out of tune all the way to wherever it is we’re going. Michael pulls over on the side of the road, seemingly in the middle of nowhere. He smiles sadly at me. 

“What?” 

“I’m going to have to ask you to put this blindfold on,” he says, handing me a bandana. “We’re about 3 minutes out.” I roll my eyes, but I take the blindfold. The last thing I see is his smile before I can’t see anymore. It’s an odd sensation, knowing even less where we’re headed. But the car eventually slows, and I reach to pull my blindfold off. 

“Nononono!” Michael yells. I stop moving. 

“But we’re here!” I whine. Michael giggles. 

“We’re  _ almost _ there,” he says, and I can imagine the knowing smile on his face. I hear his door open and I unbuckle my seatbelt. I search for the door handle but it opens before I find it. I step out of the car. I take Michael’s hand and begin walking as he tugs me along. We don’t make it three steps before I trip over a curb. I let out a small yelp before Michael’s arms wrap around me, saving me from the asphalt that I think is underneath me. It might be grass though. 

“Huh. I guess you literally fell for me.” I  _ know _ he’s grinning like an idiot. 

“Put me down,” I deadpan. I just hope he doesn’t see that I’m blushing like a fool. Michael giggles, and I can’t suppress a small giggle myself. He sets me back on my feet. 

“I’ll be more careful with you.” 

“You better. I’m fragile,” I say breathily. He just laughs, and we continue. He gives me helpful commentary, like when there’s a bump or a hole. Based on the soft ground, and the rather steep walk, I’d guess we’re heading up a hill. Michael keeps assuring me that we’re almost there, but I’m not so sure. Just when I’m about to complain about our impromptu hike, he stops and I run right into him. 

“Oh! Sorry Jere. We’re here, but don’t take off your blindfold just yet.” I groan, but I’m not really upset about it. He takes my hand and leads me for a few more yards, before stopping. 

“Okay, just let me. . .” I stand idly while Michael presumably does something. I hear him blow out, and then he takes my hand again. “Alright. Just stand right . . . there, yeah.” Shivers run down my back as his fingers tangle with my hair, taking off my blindfold. A small gasp escapes my mouth. I was right, we are atop a hill. And now I know why we had to get up so early. The sky is on fire, painted with oranges and yellows, pinks and purples. The light bounces off the misty morning air, creating little fractals of light. I feel Michael’s arms wrap around me. I lean against him, my back against his chest. 

“D’you like it?” I smile, and turn my head to look at him. 

“I love it. It’s the second most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” Michael quirks an eyebrow. 

“Oh? And what was the first?” I turn all the way around so I can wrap my arms around his neck. 

“You,” I answer simply. I relish the pink that tinges his cheeks when I say this. I snigger, and go sit down on the blanket he laid out for us. Michael follows suit, and I curl up next to him. We sit and watch the sunrise, until it’s light out. I feel my eyelids getting heavier. It’s so cold out, but Michael’s so warm. My head falls into his lap, and he runs his finger through my hair. 

“Hey Michael, can I fall asleep now?” He lets out a soft chuckle. 

“Yes, babe. You can sleep now.” I nod. Michael traces figure 8’s on my back, and hums a tune I don’t recognize. And then I fall asleep. 


	17. Home (Evan's POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HIIII here's an early chapter, even though I don't technically have a schedule. But here it is! And it's just MORE FLUFF!!! Your welcome. 
> 
> Yes, I know this one's a bit long. Sorry not sorry. Hope you like it!!!
> 
> (did you catch the difference in the title? :))

Two weeks. That’s all it took for me to fall totally and completely in love with Jared Kleinman. And, I use the term ‘love’ loosely. But seriously, it took me by surprise. It took me _forever_ to trust Connor. Not with Jared. I guess growing up with someone basically your whole life helps. Plus, he kinda saved my ass when I freaked out at the party. After much deliberation, I’ve decided that I have, in fact, always loved Jared Kleinman. And now that I’ve come to terms with this, I can’t believe I stayed away so long. He’s always put up this cover of ‘I’m a dick and I’m proud.’ But now I feel like I’ve bought a premium subscription. I get to see sides of him that rarely poked out before. He can be so sweet, and _thoughtful_ . Like, he can _think_ through his sentences before they come out. I know, I was shocked too. But it’s still confusing. Like, are we a _thing_ ? Or am I just a fling? Just a subplot to an ever-growing story? I mean, we certainly _act_ like we’re dating. I mean, we kiss, and hold hands, and cuddle, and all that cliche hallmark shit. But, we’ve never actually gone on a date. So, what am I supposed to think? I don’t want to assume we’re boyfriends and scare him off because I’m taking things too fast. But I don’t want to assume we’re _not_ dating, and make him think that I’m not serious about our relationship. 

Jared catches on to my contemplative demeanor on the way to school Monday morning. “Hey, you okay?” I sigh, not really wanting to bring it up, but really need an answer. 

“Um, this is probably stupid.” He looks at me, as if to say ‘nothing you say is stupid.’ And so, I press forward. “O- okay. So, are we, uh, are w- we a, erm, _thing_? Like, are we dating?” I cringe, hoping it sounds better than I think it does. Jared hesitates a bit before answering, and I rethink my question. 

“Evan, we can be whatever you want us to be.” I notice the probably inconsequential use of the word ‘us.’ But I ignore it for now, even more perplexed by his ‘answer.’ 

“Wh- we- pfft, what does that mean?” I splutter. Jared tries to bite back a laugh, but a small one escapes. I glare at him. He’s still very unhelpful. Jared shakes his head, and sighs. 

“Evan, sweetie.” He clasps my hands in his. “Would you be my boyfriend?” He says this with mock sincerity, to which I reply by rolling my eyes. I get out of the car, slinging my backpack over my shoulder. He gets out too, having to jog a little to catch up to me. I look down as his fingers lace through mine. Jared catches my glance, and nudges me with his shoulder. 

“Now that we’re _dating_ ,” he wiggles his eyebrows as he says this, “I can do this!” He kisses me quick on the cheek, then takes off running down the hallway. I try to follow after him, but the crowd is thick and I really don’t like running. I sigh, and head down the hall toward my homeroom class. At least I’ll see him at lunch. 

* * *

“You two are in a good mood,” I point out, just for the sake of conversation. It’s lunch time, and Jeremy and Michael are practically joined at the hip. 

“Yesterday was our one year anniversary,” Michael says, leaning on Jeremy even as he says it. It makes me smile. I wonder if Jared and I could ever be like that. . . 

Nope, don’t do that. Too much too fast, you’ll scare him away with talk like that. Just take it slow, one step at a time. Still, that would be nice. Maybe someday, w-

“What about you two? Jared is in much too good a mood to be normal,” Jeremy says, in a tone that sounds like he’s just teasing. I snicker, and side-eye Jared, knowing he’ll take the conversation from here. 

“Well, it just so happens, _Jeremy_ , that Evan and I are officially a couple!” He sticks out his tongue, which makes me giggle. I turn to Michael and Jeremy, anxious to see how they take it. I catch a glimpse of something on Jeremy’s face before it’s replaced with a smirk. Something so quick, part of me thinks I imagined it. But I’m sure it was there. What was that? 

“Well, good for you two,” Michael says. His eyes light up, and I swear you could see the lightbulb going off in his brain. “You know what? We should go on a double date! Oh my gosh, it’d be so fun!” I nod my affirmations, and I catch Jeremy looking at Michael. Such love and adoration, makes me so happy for them. I’ve really grown to love these two over the past couple of months. And they’re so perfect for each other. Makes me smile. 

“Yeah, that sounds cool. So, like tonight?” Jeremy and Michael exchange looks, and Michael nods. 

“Sounds good!” 

* * *

Jared pulls into the IHOP at 6:32. Our first official date. I can’t help but snicker a bit. 

“What?” 

“Oh, no, it’s nothing. Just love how classy this is,” I say, laughing. Jared rolls his eyes. 

“Shut up. Michael picked the venue.” He walks around and opens my door for me. He bows, moving his hand out to the side. “Your date awaits.” He laughs at his own words, and takes my hand. 

“Hey, that rhymed,” I point out. Jared does a kind of half nod. 

“Damn straight it did.” I crinkle my nose up and Jared gives me a confused look. “What?” I give him a sympathetic smile. 

“Nothing about us is straight, honey.” He laughs, and I smile at my small victory. 

* * *

After dinner, Jared drives me home. Jeremy headed to Michael’s house, and my mom is working a late shift. She doesn’t need to work them anymore, Paul makes enough on his own. I think she mostly does it because she’s a nice person. I can tell she’s a lot less tired and stressed now. Makes me happy. 

Jared follows me to my room and flops down on my bed. “I’m so tired,” he whines. 

“It’s not even 8!” I shake my head. “I gotta go find Paul. Be back in a sec.” He just nods, already looking half asleep. I smile, and search the house for Paul. I find him downstairs watching football. He looks up when I come in. 

“Hey, what’s up Evan?” I like Paul. He’s nice, and mom likes him. Clearly. But, like, he doesn’t push me to like him. He gives me my space. He’s chill. 

“Oh, nothing much. Jeremy just wanted me to tell you that he’s staying at Michael’s,” I say with a smile. Paul chuckles. 

“Alright. Thank you.” I nod, and head back to my room. When I walk in, I see that Jared is, in fact, asleep. I change into some PJ’s, and climb into bed next to him. I move slowly, inch by inch. When I’m finally comfortable, I sigh. Next to me, Jared stirs, and I hold my breath. He rolls over next to me, curling up against my side, one arm draped across my chest. I smile and rest my arm on his. I use my free hand to run my fingers through his hair. He hums appreciatively and shifts a little so his head rests on my chest, his hair tickling my chin. I lean over and kiss his forehead, rubbing the nape of his neck with my thumb now. He mumbles something, something that I don’t quite hear. 

“What was that babe?” I whisper, just in case he was sleeping. He sits up a bit, placing his head on the pillow next to me. He stares at me, and I see it. The pain behind his eyes. It catches me off guard. And for some reason, it makes me deeply upset. I hate that anything would cause that pain, and I want nothing more than to expel it. I’m contemplating what, or _who_ , did this to him, when he sighs. I feel his fingers lace through mine. 

“I love you,” he repeats. The words course through me like his injected fire straight into my veins. It’s warm, and bright. And though I try to stop it, my eyes go wide. Jared must see because he continues. 

“I know that’s pretty big. And I completely understand if you don’t feel the same way, or if you’re just not ready to say that. But I just wanted you to know, and, uh, um, yeah. But like I said, don’t feel pressured or anyt-” I know he’ll go on forever, so I shut him up the most convenient way I know how; I kiss him. He stiffens at first, but eases into it. I pull away and lean my forehead against his. 

“You really don’t know how to shut up, do you?” He laughs, and I smile. “Thank you.” I hesitate before going on, but not because I don’t want to continue. Well, partly. But mostly I hesitate to see the disappointment in Jared’s eyes when I don’t say anything. And sure enough, there it is. I try, and fail, to keep a straight face. But I’ve never been very good at that stuff. So a small laugh escapes me. Jared glares at me, and I don’t blame him. 

“I’m sorry, Jared. I love you too,” I say finally. The relief on his face is visible. 

“Don’t scare me like that, Ev!” I laugh, and he does too, though it sounds more like a relieved sigh. He curls back up next to me, like what just happened was no big deal. But I was absolutely giddy. No matter which way you spin it, it sounds good. _He_ loves me. He _loves_ me. He loves _me_ . See?! Good all the way around. I sigh, and it feels as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Someone _loves me_ . Not just someone, Jared. I mean, my mom loves me, and my dad probably does. But, I don’t know. This is different. It’s like a blanket. Makes me warm and cozy. You know how when you’re a kid, as long as you’re underneath the blanket, the monsters can’t get you? That’s what being in love feels like. And even though I know that it won’t _actually_ provide any protection, it still feels good. And lying here in with Jared . . .

Feels like home. 


	18. Home (Jeremy's POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who ordered the fluff? It wasn't you? Too bad kids, enjoy it while it lasts. Because it ain't gonna last forever. But, this chapter is low-key adorable, if I do say so myself. And I do.

“You, are the worst person I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowing.” 

“Oh, come on. You know you love me.” 

“No, no I’m serious this time. I can’t even look at you.” 

“Yeah, okay. We’ll see how long that lasts.” I feel a tickle on the back of my neck, where Michael’s fingers twist through my hair. He wraps his arms around from behind me, and starts trailing little kisses along the back of my neck. 

“Stop it, that’s not fair,” I whine, and shove him off of me. He just laughs as he falls back onto the bed. 

“Oh no, it’s plenty fair. You see, you’re my boyfriend. And I am yours. I have rights that come with that title.” I groan and curl up next to him. He runs his fingers through my hair, and I tuck my head under his arm. 

“I still hate you. Don’t think this changes anything.” 

“Oh, of course. Wouldn’t dream it.” He laughs a little. “Why is it that you hate me again?” I gasp in dismay, sitting up. 

“You wouldn’t help me with my math homework!” Michael nods. 

“Worth being hated.” I roll my eyes and settle into the desk chair. 

“You know you’re better at math than me.” I look at my trig homework and sigh. “I give up. I’ll do this later. Let’s go do something.” Michael sits up. 

“Like what? It’s 7:40 on a school night, and my moms want me home by 10.” I groan. 

“I don’t care _what_ we do. We can drive around aimlessly for all I care!” Now that I think about it that doesn’t sound too bad. “I just don’t want to be _here_. I want to be _doing_ something.” Michael snatches his keys from off my nightstand. 

“Driving around aimlessly it is.” 

* * *

We burst into a fit of laughter after Michael’s less than great rendition of Don’t Stop Believin’. We’re parked behind a Taco Bell eating tacos and singing horribly. 

“Babe, I can’t believe you never went pro!” I mumble through a mouth full of taco. He sneers at me, but he too has taco in his mouth, preventing him from showing his teeth. So it kinda just looks like a weird grin. 

“Yeah yeah yeah. Say what you want, but I have the best singing voice in the world.” 

“That’s what I said!” He rolls his eyes at me and takes a sip of his Mtn. Dew. In turn, I stick my tongue out at him and take a sip of my own drink. Michael pulls out his phone. 

“It’s 8:30, we should start heading home.” I frown. 

“Dude, it’s _8:30_. We got time.” Michael looks unsure, but doesn’t argue. We sit in silence for a while, eating our food and enjoying the company. 

“Hey, Jere.” I look up in reply. “Wanna sip of my soda?” I scrunch my face, repulsed by the very thought. I begin to shake my head but stop. 

“Fine. But _you_ have to do something for me!” He looks surprised, but doesn’t have time to question it before I take a sip. Tastes pretty dang normal. I don’t really know what I was expecting, the tic-tac is gone. Michael does an almost imperceptible eye-roll. 

“And to think, you could’ve been drinking this _all year_ ,” he says with a smug look. I playfully smack his arm. I take another sip. “Hey hey hey, that’s still mine!” He takes back his drink and it’s my turn to smile. 

“Hey, you have to do something for me now,” I point out. He shakes his head at me. 

“I never agreed to that!” 

“Too bad,” I say, sticking my tongue out. He mimics me, sticking his own tongue out. 

“Fine. What’d’you want?” I think about this for a moment. I didn’t really know what I wanted when I told him he had to do something for me. Maybe it was just the appeal of him owing me. But, sure enough, an idea pops into my head. One that I’m quite fond of. I squeeze his forearm, maybe a little too hard because it tenses. 

“Oh, sorry. But I know what I want!” Michael doesn’t say anything, so I continue. “You are going to sing me a song.” He laughs, but stops when I don’t join in. 

“Oh, you were serious. Babe, did you not _just_ hear me singing? I’m not very good.” I shake my head. 

“No, that doesn’t count. I know for a _fact_ that you are an excellent singer. You used to sing to me all the time after the incident.” Michael scrunches his nose up as if he’d just tasted something sour. And it was obviously _very_ cute. 

“Okay, I suppose if you like it, then what’s the harm. Is there, like, a specific song you want? Or could I just sing whatever?” It takes another moment of thinking before I come to a most brilliant conclusion. Again. 

“You have to sing something in Spanish,” I say, matter-of-factly. Michael laughs again. More of a giggle, really. 

“Jere, sweetheart. I don’t know Spanish.” I wave that away. 

“No no, what’s that language you know? The one your mom speaks?” 

“You mean Filipino?” I snap my fingers. 

“That’s it. You have to sing something for me in Filipino. I _know_ your mom sang you lullabies in Filipino when you were younger.” 

“Exactly, I was _younger_!” I roll my eyes, knowing full well he still knows them. And so I don’t offer any comment, forcing him into submission. He sighs before going on. “Fine, fine. I maybe remember one or two.” I can’t help but smile, crawling into his lap as best as possible. It doesn’t work as well as I thought it would. Michael begins to say something, but I interrupt. 

“No, no, it’ll work. Trust me.” He laughs but doesn’t say anything. Finally, I settle into a semi-comfortable position, with my legs draped across the center-console toward the passenger seat. After I stop moving, Michael looks at me questioningly. 

“Comfy?” I slap his shoulder playfully, and he smirks. “Okay, I might be a little rusty, so just-” He does some weird hand gesture, that I pretend to understand. Michael pauses, before sighing. “Okay. Here it goes, I guess.” He hums a starting note and clears his throat before he starts singing. Hell if I know what he’s saying, but it sounds _beautiful_. There’s one part he sings more than once, that I presume is the chorus. So, by the end, I can sort of make out what he’s singing. 

_Sana'y di magmaliw ang dati kong araw_

_Nang munti pang bata sa piling ni nanay_

_Nais kong maulit ang awit ni inang mahal_

_Awit ng pag-ibig habang ako'y nasa duyan_

Eventually, he finishes. I sit in silence, wishing desperately that there was more to the song. After a minute or so, he starts running his fingers through my hair. And, bless his heart, he starts singing again. Well, not really singing, more like humming. But I love it all the same. I turn my face into his chest, taking in his smell. His _being_ there. I’ve had my fair amount of ups and downs in life. But Michael was, and _is_ always there for me. I don’t remember falling asleep, but when I wake up Michael is buckling my seatbelt. I groan, and he looks up at me. 

“Oh, sorry honey. We’ve got to start heading home.” I frown and lie my head against Michael’s arm, which currently resides on mine. He pulls away and my head lolls around on my shoulders. He laughs, and my sleep-deprived brain comes to a realization. Albeit a silly and absurd one, but a realization nonetheless. 

“Hey Michael, how would you describe what my head just did?” He gives me a bizarre look, but shakes his head and decides to play along. 

“Um, roll?” I nod, but continue, my words slurring together slightly. 

“Mm. But would you agree that the term ‘loll’ would also apply?” I squint at him, and he chuckles softly. 

“Sure, Jere.” I nod again, acknowledging my genius or something. 

“Okay, so, couldn’t ‘loll’ be derived from ‘lol’?” He looks confused, probably because he can’t see the spelling like you can. “You know, like l o l?” I say the letters individually this time. “Because, my head _lolled_ on my shoulders, and then you ‘ _lol’ed_ , _”_ I say, pronouncing them the same way. A look of confusion _and_ realization appears on his face, as though he knows _what_ I’m talking about, he just doesn’t know _why_. Which, fair, I guess. Michael starts up the car and begins the drive home. 

“You’re cute when you’re sleepy, you know that?” I shake my head. 

“Psh. I know. But I’m nearly as cute as _you_.” The blush that creeps up his face only adds to it. I hum happily, not bothering to talk on the way home. When we pull into my driveway, Michael unbuckles. 

“C’mon, I’ve got a little time. Wouldn’t want you tripping on thin air, now would we?” I nod, wondering how much longer I can stay awake. When we reach my room, I collapse onto my bed, not even bothering to take off my shoes. Michael, lovely Michael, comes and takes them off for me. He gets me situated, pulling my blanket over me and propping a pillow behind my head. He pushes the hair out of my eyes before giving me a gentle kiss on my forehead. It makes me feel as though tiny fireworks are exploding from the spot where he kissed me. He grabs my hand. 

“Love you, Jere.” He begins to head out, but I pull him back. Serves him right for holding my hand. 

“Hey, Michael?” He turns to look at me, coming to kneel at my bedside. Feels a little weird, seeing as I’m not dying, but I’m too tired to care. “You’re always going to be here for me, right? I mean, even if we break-up, you’re still going to help me? Because I don’t want you to leave. I like having you around.” Michael smiles, and I feel those familiar butterflies in my stomach wake up. 

“Of course. I will _always_ be here for you.” He kisses me again, this time aiming for my cheek, but I turn my head at the last second, kissing him on the mouth. I feel his smile under my lips, and I smile too, knowing that I caused it. He pulls away, pressing his forehead to mine. He really is beautiful. You can’t see it normally, but from this close, you see a little smattering of freckles. I have half a mind to wrap my arms around him, pull him into bed, and make him stay. But I know that he can’t tonight. I lament this fact, but I respect it. And so, I settle for a kiss on the nose. 

“I love you. So much.” He smiles at me, and I hope he knows how much I mean it. 

“I love you too. To the moon and back.” I feel my cheeks heating up, and I nod. 

“That’s a lot,” I say matter-of-factly. “But I love you all the way to _Jupiter_ and back.” He laughs, and I smirk. 

“That’s a lot.” I nod. 

“Promise you’ll never leave?” He gives me a sad look. 

“Babe, you know my moms w-” 

“Nononono, I mean in the long run.” 

“Oh. Well, of course. I won’t ever leave.” 

“Good. Because I really need my player-one. I can't win without you.” And it may just be my tired brain, but I swear there are tears in his eyes. He kisses me one more time before heading towards the door. I turn in my bed, trying to get as comfy as possible. Though I’m pretty sure I could fall asleep anywhere right now. I hear Michael stop in the doorway, and I can imagine him looking fondly at me. 

“I love you, Jeremy.” 

“I love you, Michael.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Michael sings is called Sa Ugoy Ng Duyan. It's really pretty, go listen to it if you get the chance. 
> 
> Sana'y di magmaliw ang dati kong araw  
> Nang munti pang bata sa piling ni nanay  
> Nais kong maulit ang awit ni inang mahal  
> Awit ng pag-ibig habang ako'y nasa duyan
> 
> Rough Translation:  
> I hope my old days do not fade  
> When I was a child with my mother  
> I want to repeat the song of my dear mother  
> A song of love while I was in the cradle


	19. Help? (Evan's POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AS PROMISED! CONNOR'S BACK!!! :) you're welcome. 
> 
> But other than that . . . well, you'll see

“I can’t believe it! You actually did it, you beat me,” Jared says, running a hand through his hair. 

“Are you sure you didn’t let me win?” Jared scoffs as if the very idea is blasphemous. 

“Ev, you think too highly of yourself. I may love you, but not as much as winning.” I roll my eyes, willing myself not to think too much about those words. Because they probably didn’t have much thought behind them. But does that mean they were already in his mind? Do I think too highly of myself? Just as I am beginning to spiral down a rabbit hole, Jared kisses me. Hard. I hum appreciatively and he wraps his arms around me as he pulls away. 

“No going off on tangents! It was a joke. There is nothing in this world I love more than you.” I blush. 

“Nothing?” Jared shakes his head. 

“Nothing. Not even winning.” I smile, but I’m determined to find something he loves more than me. Not to degrade myself or anything. But because it’ll be fun to watch him squirm. 

“What about your car insurance?” He laughs, and I laugh a little too. Seems so odd that at one point Jared was only ‘nice’ to me for his car insurance. 

“Yes, I love you more than my car insurance.” I nod, determined to find something that makes him pause. 

“What about-” My eye catches on something on my desk. I can feel the smirk creeping up my features. “What about JIF peanut butter?” Jared glares at me.

“You wouldn’t-” 

“Oh yes, I would.” Jared groans and falls into me. 

“That’s not fair!” He whines. I snicker and push him off of me. I wrap his arm around me and curl up against his side, resting my head against his chest. My breath catches as I feel his fingers at the hem of my shirt. Jared hesitates, but slides his hand up my back, tracing abstract shapes with his fingers. I lean more heavily into him, taking in his scent. His shirt just smells like laundry detergent, but I love it nonetheless. I’m about to crawl further into his lap when someone knocks on my bedroom door. I frown but pry myself off of Jared. 

“Uh, come in?” I look at Jared, receiving a shrug in return. After a few seconds, the door opens. And the one and only Connor Murphy steps in. I sneak a side glance at Jared. He’s frowning, staring daggers at Connor. I look back to Connor. I almost feel bad for him. Connor Murphy is many things, but small and awkward had never occurred to me as things that would describe him. Yet here we are, and those are the first words that come to mind. He opens his mouth to speak, but promptly closes it. 

“Did you need something,  _ Connor _ ? Or are you just here to terrorize my boyfriend,” Jared snarls. Connor looks taken aback but returns his gaze to his shoes. I give Jared a look. Sure, Connor may have ripped my heart out, smashed it to bits, and then tried to shove it back in. But does that mean I have to hate him for life? I mean, I won’t be jumping back into his arms anytime soon, but, like, I don't want him to  _ die  _ or anything like that. Jared seems to comprehend my look and sighs. 

“Fine.” He puts on a cheesy smile. “Is there anything we can do for you, sweetheart?” Connor kicks at the carpet and takes a breath before answering. 

“Um, can I speak to Evan? Alone?” Jared frown, but doesn’t object, to both mine and Connor’s apparent surprise. Instead, he gets up and heads out. He pauses at the threshold though, right beside Connor. I half expect Jared to clock him right there. But he doesn’t. 

“Listen here, buddy. If you hurt him in any way, I’ll make you wish you hadn’t. Capische?” Connor swallows, and nods. Jared mimics the motion and begins to head out. But he pauses, turning back towards me instead. “I’ma head home. Call me if you need me, I’m only five minutes away.” He takes my hand in his and kisses me quick on the cheek before heading out the door. Though not without one last glare in Connor’s direction. He closes the door behind him, and then it’s just me and Connor. As much as I’ve dreaded this very situation, I resolve to make it as least awkward as possible. So I cross my legs and motion for him to sit next to me. He looks surprised at first, but sits next to me. Despite my best efforts, it is still extremely awkward. So I decide to start the conversation. 

“So, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?” Much to my dismay, Connor just shrugs and picks at his sweatshirt sleeve. I sigh and lean against my headboard. After a few moments of silence, I can’t take it. “So, do you wanna watch a movie or something? Because I can’t do this whole ‘sitting in silence’ thing.” Connor looks up at me and nods. I scoff and shake my head a little. I scroll through my Netflix, settling on a random action movie. 

I don’t watch the movie, but rather try to make sense of Connor’s presence here. It’s just so  _ odd.  _ I mean, why is he here? He said he wanted to talk, but he hasn’t said anything since. Was it something  _ I _ did? Probably. What did he want to talk about? I mean, surely he must’ve had a goal in mind when he came here. Too soon, the film ends and we’re back to our less than preferable silence. I check my watch. 9:47. At what time can I tell him that he has to leave? Probably not now, so I make another feeble attempt at conversation. 

“So, how’s Zoe?” He gives me an odd look, but shrugs. 

“Uh, she’s good. We’ve been a lot closer, actually, so. That’s good.” I nod, mostly just grateful for a response. Kinda killed the conversation, but it was a response nonetheless. Eventually, Connor sighs and runs a hand through his hair. 

“I’m sorry Ev. I just- I was scared, I didn’t know where else to go. You’re the only person I’ve ever really confided in, and I wasn’t even sure you’d talk to me. I mean, why would you after I treated you like shit? But I had to try, because- well, because not being with you is killing me, Evan.  _ You _ made me a better person, made me  _ want _ to be better. And now that I don’t have that, I feel like I’m just falling into disrepair, and soon enough I’m not going to work anymore. But believe me, I don’t blame any of this on you. You were right to get rid of me. Cut off the infection before it spreads, right?” 

He takes a shuddering breath, and for the first time since he arrived I feel truly and actually scared. I see his mind running off on a tangent, and I know it can’t be good. I remember when I first got to know Connor. It wasn’t good. It was pretty bad, actually. He was like a pot with a lid on. All that heat was getting trapped just beneath the surface and things were starting to boil over. But he definitely got better. With time, granted, but it was better. 

I decide to stop Connor’s tangent before he’s too far gone. 

“Con, I never have, and never  _ will _ think of you like an infection. And even if we’re not  _ together _ , I still care for you. And, well, not to be cheesy or anything, but I’m here for you.” Connor looks at me as if he’s on his last string of hope. He doesn’t say anything, just nods, and curls into a small little ball. After a bit, I can see his chest heaving with silent sobs. Tentatively, I rest my hand on his back. 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Connor looks up at me. 

“Not really, but I know I should.” I nod, knowing that feeling all too well. 

“Well, you don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to.” He nods and sits up a bit. 

“Shit, where do I begin? Um, I don’t know. I guess I’ve kinda just been feeling like shit lately. My depression, of course, but my anxiety’s been acting up too.” I nod, not really wanting to talk for fear of saying the wrong thing. But I think my silence might be worse, so I try to be helpful. 

“What, like, have you been feeling?” I cringe at my words, but Connor either doesn’t take notice or is gracious enough not to mention them. He shrugs before going on. 

“I don’t know, the usual shit I guess. How fucked up I am. How I always manage to fuck things up. About how much better off everyone would be without me. About how fucked up and selfish it is for me to even think that.” He takes a breath before continuing. “I mean, I feel like my brain is in a constant state of limbo. There’s the prominent side, feeding me shit about how no one likes me, and I’m such a terrible person. Asking myself what would happen if I were to just disappear. Regular old self-hate. Then my brain kinda splits. Part of me knows that I shouldn’t think those things. That, you know, I should tell someone, get help or whatever. But then another part of me takes over and pretty much yells at me. That I’m just trying to draw attention to myself. That I need to get over myself and stop being such a dramatic bitch. That I can’t be depressed, because my life’s too good. That I’m the one bad apple spoiling the bunch.” He’s back to crying again, and I’m fully terrified now. I know he needs help, but I don’t know how to give it. Instead, I do the one thing I  _ do _ know how to do. Or at least I think. 

Cautiously, I wrap my arms around Connor and pull him into me. He’s full-on sobbing now, and it hurts me to see him like this. I try not to cry, to be strong. But it’s hard. 

“Evan, I-” He doesn’t finish his sentence, but instead struggles to gain control of his breathing. I rub small, slow circles on his back, finally having regained my own composure. 

“Ev, I wasn’t going to come here,” Connor sniffles. 

“That’s okay. I’m glad you did.” He shakes his head and sits up to look at me. 

“No, you don’t understand. I was-” Again he can’t finish. I grab his arm, and he winces. I frown, hoping that I’m wrong. 

“Con, you didn’t-” He just blinks at me, not offering any answer. Slowly, I reach over and pull his sweatshirt off. He makes no motion to stop me. He folds his arms across his chest when I’m finished. I scowl and tenderly take his right arm. I can’t help the small whimper that escapes me. 

His entire forearm looks like a battleground. Faded scars from years ago, scabs that could be weeks old, and fresh cuts that couldn’t have been made longer than a few hours ago. Tears fill my eyes, obscuring my vision and threatening to fall. Connor puts his arms around me. 

“Ev.” I look at him, and the composure I’ve tried so hard to maintain is gone. I begin to sob, and Connor pulls me against him. I lean into him, and it hits me how much I’ve  _ missed _ him. How I still very much love him. It physically pains me to see him like this. So, defeated, so lost. How could he feel so horribly about himself when I love him so much? How could he believe that people would benefit if he were to fade away, when I shudder to think what I would do if he left. 

I try not to think about what might have happened if he hadn’t come to me. Would he have been okay? No, probably not. Would he have lived to see senior graduation? I honestly don’t know. I’d like to think so, but you and I both know that it wouldn’t be for sure. What if instead of driving here, he were to have driven off a bridge? Or have taken some pills? 

A sudden and horrible realization dawns on me. 

“Con, what’d you mean when you said you weren’t going to come here?” He winces, and I sit up, looking him more fully in the eye. 

“Connor, what’d you mean when you said you weren’t going to come here?” 

“Exactly what I said. I wasn’t planning on coming over here. But, I’m here now, so,” he trails off. I shake my head. 

“Con,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper. And try as I might, I can’t keep the waiver from my voice. “What were you planning on doing tonight?” His eyes fall to his lap. 

“Ev, don’t worry about it, it doesn’t matter.” 

“Yes it does, Connor! You wanna know why?” He rolls his eyes. 

“Yeah, I do. Why do you care? Like, you don’t have to be nice to me. You could hate me, and no one could question it. I’m not your responsibility. You don’t have to do this for me. Why are you?” I shake my head in disbelief and stand up. 

“You don’t get it, do you? People  _ care _ about you, Connor!  _ I _ care about you!” I know I’m practically yelling now, but I want him to understand. Connor stands up too, crossing the room towards me. 

“But  _ why _ do people care, Evan? I make everything worse for people. I’m a disease!” I throw my hands up in exasperation. “See?! Even now I frustrate you. Face it, Evan, I’m a mistake.” 

“Not possible. You see, I don’t like mistakes. I cut them out of my life.”

“Ah, so why don’t I just cut myself out then?! Make it easier for everyone!” He heads towards the door. 

“Connor Murphy you get your ass over here right now!” He stops, probably more out of surprise than anything. But he turns and walks up to me. He leans down slightly, looking me directly in the eye. 

“Why?” He begins to walk out again, but I press on. 

“Why?  _ Why _ ?! I don’t know, maybe it’s because I love you and I’d rather you not die!” We stop, both shocked by my,  _ bold _ , words. Connor slowly approaches me. 

“Evan, don’t joke like that. Hate for your precious  _ boyfriend _ to hear that.” I shake my head. 

“You’re such an idiot!” I close the gap between us and press my lips to his. He tenses, but I just press harder, wrapping my arms around his neck. Eventually, he leans into the kiss, and I guide him toward the bed. He sits down and I crawl into his lap. I kiss him again, wondering how I was able to stay away for so long. I feel his smile under my lips, which makes me smile too. I tangle my fingers in his hair, running my hands through it like I so often used to do. I shiver as I feel his hands playing with the hem of my shirt. I seriously contemplate taking off Connor’s shirt but decide against it. There’s a time for that, and unfortunately, it’s not now. Reluctantly, I pull out of the kiss. Connor smirks at me. 

“So, what was that you were saying about how you love me?” I roll my eyes, but he just laughs. I reach down and grab the blanket, throwing it over us. 

“ _ Anyway _ , there’s this boy that I kinda sorta like.” Connor rolls his eyes. 

“Oh? And who is this  _ boy _ ?”

“His name is Connor. And I think you need to be nice and stop hurting him, because I kinda need him.” Connor laughs. 

“Ah, there’s always something in it for you isn’t there?”

“C’mon, I thought you knew me!” We laugh, and Connor brushes his lips against mine again. I hum appreciatively but pull away far too soon when my bedroom door bursts open. 

“Evan what the crap are you oka-” Jared pauses, taking in the room. “Oh. You’re fine. I’ll just- go.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, my fingers slipped


	20. Help? (Jeremy's POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, here's the new chapter. I know it's a bit late, sorry. I don't really have a good excuse, other than my schedule becoming very busy lately, and stress. Normal stuff I guess. But, just a heads up, don't be surprised if updates are slower the next month. I will still try my very hardest to churn them out once a week, but I can't guarantee that. 
> 
> Anywho, just wanted to give an official apology for the end of the last chapter. Full disclosure, I actually wasn't going to bring Jared back. I wasn't kidding when I said my fingers slipped. But I don't regret it, so if you have something to say to me, feel free to hit me up on [Tumblr](https://nocashbroadwaytrash.tumblr.com/post/641578118360055808/two-player-game)
> 
> Yeah, so, heere it is! :)

I groan as my alarm goes off the next morning. Friday, by the way. I sit up, but immediately fall back into bed. A dull throb aches in the back of my head. My whole body feels like it weighs a thousand pounds. I strain for a reason as to why I feel sick. Thinking back to yesterday, I try to remember what I did. I went to school. I came home with Michael. We went to Taco Bell. He sang to me. Muddled memories of coming home, but I can’t recall any details. Must just be a stomach bug. Serves me right for getting Taco Bell. I drag myself out of bed, deciding to go consult Heidi. 

I rub my eyes and find Heidi in the kitchen, cooking breakfast. I practically throw myself into a chair, my legs feeling like lead. Heidi turns to look at me and frowns. 

“Morning Je- wow. No offense Jeremy, but you look awful.” I groan, and accept the plate of toast and eggs she put in front of me. 

“Yeah, I feel like sh- crap. I was hoping you could tell me what’s wrong with me.” She frowns, placing a hand to my forehead. 

“Oh, honey. You’re burning up. Can you tell me what you think is wrong? Is it just your head, or-?” I sigh, the effort from holding my head up tiring me. 

“Well, my head hurts. I feel really heavy, and breathing is tiring. I think I might just-” I suddenly get very dizzy, and which way is up becomes unclear. I feel my shoulder hit the floor, and then I let go of what minimal consciousness I have left. 

* * *

A strange sense of déjà vu accompanies me as I wake up. I groan as I sit up and suddenly Michael’s at my side. 

“Oh, Jere, are you okay?” There’s such concern in his eyes, which only confuses me. 

“What do you mean?” My words slur together slightly. 

“You fainted this morning. Heidi freaked out and took you here. You’ve been out for a few hours.” My brow furrows and I look around. It only now is occurring to me that I am not in fact in my room where I thought I was, but I am in fact in a hospital room. I focus my attention back to Michael. 

“So, like, am I going to live?”

“Yes, you’re going to live, oh my gosh. Drama queen. The doctors said you had-  _ have- _ an unusually high level of brain activity. Like, scary high. They say if it keeps running like this, it’s gonna fry your brain to a crisp. Technically, it already should’ve. You  _ should _ be dead.” Michael shrugs. 

“But I’m still alive?!” I splutter. 

“There’s a reason your last name is  _ Heere _ ,” Michael says, booping my nose. I push his hand away, trying to pretend that didn’t make my insides do a double flip. 

“But I could still technically die, right?” Michael sighs, and it suddenly appears as if the entire weight of the world has fallen on him. I wish I could take back my question, but it’s too late for that. 

“Yes, technically you could still die. The doctors don’t really know what to do with you. They’ve never seen anything like this.” Seems to me like these answers are only bringing more questions, but I keep going. 

“Do they know  _ why _ this is happening?” Again Michael shrugs. 

“Not really. The causes they usually associate with this kind of stuff doesn’t apply to you. It’s usually associated with drug and alcohol abuse, so.” Michael turns to me, a serious look on his face. “Jeremy, are you an alcoholic?” I snicker. 

“I guess I’ve finally been caught,” I say, feigning disappointment. He chuckles, and silence falls. I don’t really mind, I still feel like shit. I wonder if I’ll actually die. Seems to me that if I was going to, I would have done it already. Right? 

After probably 10 or so minutes, a nurse comes in. She doesn’t say much, just gathers info. Checks my blood pressure, checks my fever, (yeah, I have one of those too). Routine doctor stuff. When she’s done, she turns to me. 

“Do you need anything, sugar?” I begin to shake my head no, but I stop. 

“Could I get some ibuprofen, or tylenol, or something? My head is killing me.” She gives me an all-too-cheesy smile. 

“Sure honey, let me just ask the doctor.” I give her a feeble smile back. It occurs to me my head may actually be killing me, and I’m not really sure how to feel about that. 

The nurse comes back a bit later, a bottle of water and some tylenol in her hands. 

“Here you go sweetheart. The doctor’s will be here in a little bit.” I nod in acknowledgement, and she gives me one last sickeningly sweet smile before leaving. I chug down some water with the tylenol, and try to relax a bit. The clock on the wall tells me that it’s 3 o’clock. I sigh and lean my head back against the stiff pillow I’ve been provided. As promised, the doctor comes in a bit later, and begins looking between my various monitors and his clip-board. When he speaks, I’m surprised by how squeaky his voice is. 

“Well, Jeremy, it looks like your brain activity is going down a bit. It’s still higher than we would like to see however. I think we’ll keep you here overnight, just in case. Do you have any questions or concerns?” I rack my brain for something, but odds are that even if I did have a question, I wouldn’t remember it right now. I shake my head and the doctor gives a sympathetic smile that I almost believe. 

* * *

After dinner, my presence is graced by the arrival of three more people. Evan, Jared, and Connor, to my surprise. The typical greetings follow, your ‘hello’ and ‘what happened’ and ‘that’s too bad.’ I take the moment of silence that follows to read the room. 

Connor has situated himself next to the window, taking a seat on the bench seat. Jared has pulled up the extra chair, and is sitting in the corner near the door. Evan has opted to stay standing, his fingers drumming a simple melody into the frame of my bed. Connor seems to be very occupied with a bird in a nearby tree, but steals frequent glances at Evan. His expression is hard to read, but it almost seems like-  _ satisfaction _ ? Not, like, in a weird way. But one of  _ ‘oh look, there’s Evan. He looks nice today. I hope he’s happy. _ ’ Evan shifts his gaze between Connor, blushing furiously whenever their eyes meet. Usually after this, he’ll stare at the floor for a moment, and then he’ll look over to Jared. These looks seem worried and strained. Jared has taken out his phone, doing something presumably. After taking in the scene, I decide to break the silence. 

“So, did I miss anything in school today?” Evan’s head snaps up from the floor where his gaze had currently been. He shrugs, Jared being the one to actually answer. 

“Not much. Lot of reminders about how we still have school next week.” I groan. Why don’t they give high schoolers the entire week of Thanksgiving off? It seems entirely unfair. Some light discussion began about plans for break, most of which I tuned out. Sounded like Jared was the only one leaving town, going to see some grandparents in Jersey. Michael would, of course, be joining us with his moms. Connor offered little on the subject, not claiming to know about any plans. At some point, around 8:15, Jared says he has to go. 

“Oh, yeah, I should probably go too,” Connor says. “Do you need a ride Evan?” He snuck a near imperceptible glance at Jared before an equally small nod. Connor grabbed his bag off the bench and made his way to the door, where Jared had already left. 

“See ya later, Jeremy. Don’t die, alright?” I chuckle.

“I won’t. I’ll see you, Connor.” He gives a lazy salute, and heads out. Evan turns back to me before stepping out. 

“Get better Jeremy. It was nice to see you. And you Michael. Take care of him, will you?” It was Michael’s turn to laugh. 

“I don’t think you could pay me not to.” Evan smiles, and the door closes behind him. I turn to Michael after a minute or so. 

“Did something seem off to you?” His furrows. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Well for starters, Evan was in the same room as Connor for a whole half hour! I didn’t know he could do that, let alone get a ride home with him! And did you see the obvious tension between the three of them? Something is going on!” 

“Oh, that. I don’t know much, only what I heard from Jared. And based on what he said, I think we’d need another opinion before passing any judgement. But apparently him and Evan were at your place, hanging out, or whatever. And then, out of nowhere, Connor shows up, asking to talk to Evan. Well, Jared left, deciding to give them their space. Here’s where we don’t know much, but apparently Jared kept trying to get a hold of Evan, to make sure he was okay. He wasn’t answering, so naturally he went to go check on him. Jared opened the door, and Connor and Evan had,  _ worked things out _ .” 

“Oh wow,” I say softly. Michael just nods, crawling into my bed, careful not to pull out my IV or anything. He finally got himself comfortable, his head in the crook of my shoulder. I absentmindedly ran my fingers through his hair, working through little knots here and there. He shifts a little, draping his arm across my chest. His fingers trail along my collarbone, and he presses a kiss to my jaw. 

“Has anyone ever told you how pretty you are?” His words slur together a bit, and I can tell he’s tired. I roll my eyes, and press a kiss to his hair.

“Gayyyyyy,” I say with a snicker. He nestles in closer. 

“You’d better hope so.” He giggles, and I can’t help the infectious smile that spreads on my face whenever he does this. Michael yawns, and he gives me a sloppy kiss before falling asleep. 

“Gayyyyyy,” I whisper. I wrap my arms around Michael, before trying to get some shut eye myself. 


	21. Better? (Evan's POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyyyyyy, here's the new chapter!!! I've had this one planned for a while, so I'm super excited it's finally here! 
> 
> Please please please leave comments, I love hearing from you guys :)

Yep. That’s me. You’re probably wondering why I’m sitting all alone. I mean, I do have  _ some _ friends. Right? Well, not today apparently. Jeremy is still at home on bed rest, he can’t come back until tomorrow. Which is kinda stupid if you think about it, because tomorrow’s the last day of school until break. Michael’s at home with Jeremy, the ever faithful boyfriend. Jared’s been avoiding me, which I guess I can’t really blame him for. I still don’t like it, but I know why he won’t talk to me. Connor insisted that it would only make things worse if he sat next to me, so he’s not here either. And so, I find myself in the same position as I was in last year. Sitting by myself, with nothing but my food and unwanted thoughts for company. 

I take a tentative bite of my sandwich, and set it down. There’s no way I’m going to be able to finish that, it tastes like cardboard. I pull out my phone and scroll through my contacts. I decide to text Jeremy. 

_ hey _

_ hey _

_ hows life? _

_ evan, whats wrong _

_ nothing. why does something need to be wrong for me to text my little bro? _

_ first of all, im 1 month younger than you _

_ and second, srsly, whats wrong? _

_ im bored. connor and jared are avoiding me _

_ and whos fault is that _

_ mine _

_ exactly. give it time, theyll come round _

_ fine _

I look up from my phone and scan the crowd. I don’t see Jared or Connor anywhere. I sigh, and open candy crush. No better way to kill time, if you ask me. 

* * *

As I thought, my after-school life is just as empty as it was in school. I play around with some homework, not really feeling an urgency to do it yet. I visit Jeremy, if it can be called a visit. I knock on his door and Michael lets me in. 

“Hey, wassup Evan?” I give a weak smile and take a seat in Jeremy’s desk chair. He groans. 

“C’mon, you’re still moping about?” 

“What are you talking about, I’m not _moping_ ,” I say. Jeremy scoffs. 

“You’re definitely moping. When are you going to talk to Jared?” I let my head fall back. 

“Never.” I can feel his glare. “C’mon, it’s only been five days!” Michael chokes on his slurpee. 

“Five days?! Dude, you  _ gotta _ talk to him.” He shares a look with Jeremy, and I feel a knot forming in my stomach. Jeremy takes out his phone, and I hear the dial tone. My eyes go wide. 

“Don’t you da-” 

“Yello?”

“Yo, Jared, wassup?” 

“What do you need Jeremy?” I’m trying to formulate a plan to get the phone from Jeremy, but so far none of them will work. 

“I need you to talk to Evan. He’s moping around, and I need you to fix it.” I want to point out that I’m not moping, but I resolve to keep my mouth shut. 

“Why don’t you call Connor?” I can practically hear him sneer. 

“Jared-” 

“Alright, fine. I’ll be over in a bit.” Jeremy hangs up, and there would be no greater pleasure than to smack that smug look right off his face. But my stomach twists into an even bigger knot, rendering me immobile for a bit. Michael walks over and puts a hand on my shoulder. 

“Evan, it’s going to be fine. What’s the worst that could happen?” I open my mouth to speak, but Michael cuts me off. “Rhetorical question. Look, it’s going to be fine. Someday, you may even be grateful to us for this.” I glare at him, and he rolls his eyes. I get up and head back to my own room without another word. 

I try to tell myself that Michael is right. What’s the worst that could happen?  _ Well, he may hate you forever and you’ll lose your best friend. _ Point taken. But what am  _ I _ freaking out about? I can’t make that decision for him, right? I just have to plead my case and hope he listens. I can’t believe Jeremy would throw me under the bus like that! I’m not ready for this kind of confrontation! I’m seriously considering making a run for it, when I hear a soft knock on the door. I swallow and try to steel myself for what’s about to happen. 

“Come in.” I hate how small and mousy my voice sounds. A few seconds pass and I’m beginning to wonder whether I imagined the knock or not. But, slowly, the door eases open and Jared steps inside. I make some odd gesture towards my desk chair, which Jared miraculously comprehends. I opt to sit on my bed. I open my mouth to speak, but think better of it. What am I supposed to say? ‘ _ Sorry I was making out with my ex?’ _ Maybe not. 

“Evan, I-” 

“Jared, I-” 

I blush profusely. A classic blunder. But I feel a sudden need to say something. 

“Jared, I-” 

“Actually, Evan, I would like to speak first, if that’s alright.” A feeling of dread fills my blood with ice, but I nod. Jared takes a breath before continuing. 

“I would first like to make it clear that I’m not mad at you. I’m mean, I’m  _ furious, _ but not at you. Or Connor,” he adds with a scowl. “The truth is, I always kinda knew it would end this way. What you and Connor had-  _ have _ , is something I can’t replicate. You two were  _ made _ for each other, and don’t deny it. Don’t think that I miss the little side glances at lunch. The whispered conversations. I see how happy he makes you Evan. I see how happy you make him.” Jared sighs, and moves to sit next to me on the bed. He hesitates before going on. 

“You know I’ve had a crush on you since kindergarten?” I frown. 

“But we hadn’t met until second grade.”

“I know. But I saw you in the halls. You stood right in front of me during our pageant. I remember telling my mom about the cute boy in Mrs. Wells class.” He chuckles, but it’s not a joyful sound. “She told me not to worry. I was young, I would grow out of it. And so I pushed it away, ashamed. I put it in a box and hid it. Hoping it would die. And it worked, for the most part. I even befriended you, we had a pretty normal friendship for grade-schoolers. But then we hit middle school. And I couldn’t handle your glow-up. Notice how I started being mean to you in the 7th grade?” I nodded, only sorta seeing where this was going. 

“That was my way of fighting it. I thought if I distanced myself from this kid, I’d be fine. But that little thing that I’d hidden away had come back, 10 times stronger. Eventually, I found out that it wasn’t, in fact, a crime to be gay. And so I stuck next to you, the ever loyal friend. Hoping that maybe, maybe one day you’d notice me. And then one day, you were with Connor. I was kinda confused really. Like, tall dark emo druggie and small, shy, cute little button Evan? Didn’t really seem like the perfect match. And I counted on that, figuring that it would be over in mere months. But as time went on, I saw the changes. I saw how much more energy Connor had gained. I saw less and less panic attacks in you. It was both refreshing and painful. I loved seeing you so happy, but it wasn’t because of me. I remember thinking ‘ _ how the heck am I going to date him now? _ ’ And then my opportunity came. Connor had finally messed up. It was my turn to swoop in and save the day. And I did, and you  _ finally _ noticed me. These last months have been amazing.” Jared sighs, and when he looks me in the eye, it takes all I am not to look away. 

“But Evan, I knew I wasn’t enough for you. Sure, I’m okay, but I’m not what you need. I’m not Connor. I knew you’d have to go back to him eventually. In all honesty, I want you to. Because you will never love anyone as much as you love him.” I stare at him, blinking rapidly. 

“So, did you just break up with me?” I mentally scold myself for how stupid that was, but Jared laughs. 

“Yes, Evan, I believe I did. I think it’s time for me to move on,” he says with a sad smile. But there’s hope in his eyes, I can see it. You can really get to know someone in 10 years. He gets up and heads out, but I grab his arm. 

“Jared, we’re still friends, right?” 

“Of course! I still need my car insurance, you know.” I smile and look down at my feet. When I look back up at him, he’s smiling too. 

“See ya tomorrow, Evan. And when I get to school, you better have that tall, dark, arm candy with you.” I laugh. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Jared.” I flop onto my bed, more than grateful that I got  _ that _ whole mess sorted out. I guess Michael really was right. 


End file.
